Hank Azaria credited as playing...
Chief Wiggum • Apu • Carl • Snake • Sea Captain • Wiseguy • Agent Malone • Man Talking to Leonard Nimoy • Monorail Switchboard Operator #1 • Pilot
- [the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]
- Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
- Man: [sitting next to Leonard Nimoy and starting to get a little freaked out by him] Does anyone want to switch seats?
- Mayor Quimby: All right, I'm in charge here.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
- Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
- Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
- Chief Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!
- Mayor Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
- Chief Wiggum: Fine!
- [then]
- Chief Wiggum: Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
- Airline Pilot: [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
- Lyle Lanely: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
- [realizes]
- Lyle Lanely: Oh, no... OH, NO!
- North Haverbrook Man: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
- [as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
- Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
- [points at Ned Flanders]
- Ned Flanders: Monorail!
- Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
- Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
- Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
- [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
- Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
- [continues underneath those who speak]
- Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
- Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
- Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
- Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
- Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
- Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
- Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
- Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
- Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
- Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
- Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
- Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
- Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
- Lyle Lanely: Once again!
- Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
- Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
- Homer: Get to the money!
- Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
- Apu: Get to the money!
- Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
- Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
- Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2 million.
- Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3 million?
- Mayor Quimby: ...Of course. How silly of me.
- [Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
- Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
- Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.
- [Chief Wiggum and Mayor Quimby are reviewing the town charter]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month!
- [reads]
- Chief Wiggum: And "two comely lasses of virtue true".
- Mayor Quimby: Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
- [pulls the charter away]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, hey, hey! Let go, you're rippin' it!
- Mayor Quimby: No, you are!
- Chief Wiggum: No, you are!
- Mayor Quimby: Let go; that's the charter!