Phil Hartman credited as playing...
Lyle Lanley
- Airline Pilot: [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
- Lyle Lanely: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
- [realizes]
- Lyle Lanely: Oh, no... OH, NO!
- North Haverbrook Man: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
- [as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
- Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
- [points at Ned Flanders]
- Ned Flanders: Monorail!
- Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
- Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
- Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
- [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
- Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
- [continues underneath those who speak]
- Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
- Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
- Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
- Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
- Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
- Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
- Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
- Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
- Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
- Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
- Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
- Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
- Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
- Lyle Lanely: Once again!
- Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
- Lyle Lanely: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
- [crowd laughs]
- Homer: He heh... mule.
- Lyle Lanely: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
- [starts to walk out of the room]
- Mayor Quimby: [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
- Lyle Lanely: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
- [runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]
- Lyle Lanely: I give you the Springfield Monorail!
- [crowd gasps]
- Lyle Lanely: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
- [holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]
- Miss Hoover: Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.
- Miss Hoover: MISS Hoover? That is hard to believe!
- Miss Hoover: Oh, you. Ho, ho!
- Lyle Lanely: Now, I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.
- [kids raise their hands and call out "Me! Me!"]
- Ralph Wiggum: Can it outrun The Flash?
- Lyle Lanely: You bet!
- Child in Lisa's Class: Can Superman outrun The Flash?
- Lyle Lanely: Eh - sure, why not. Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?
- Lisa Simpson: Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass-transit system in a small town with a centralized population.
- Lyle Lanely: Ha, ha! Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
- Lisa Simpson: Really?
- Lyle Lanely: Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me - and that includes your teacher!
- [Lisa giggles, flattered]
- Lyle Lanely: Next question - you there, eating the paste.