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Leonard Nimoy, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Dan Castellaneta, and Yeardley Smith in The Simpsons (1989)

Phil Hartman: Lyle Lanley

Marge vs. the Monorail

The Simpsons

Phil Hartman credited as playing...

Lyle Lanley

Photos2

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Quotes5

  • Airline Pilot: [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
  • Lyle Lanely: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
  • [realizes]
  • Lyle Lanely: Oh, no... OH, NO!
  • North Haverbrook Man: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
  • [as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
  • Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
  • [points at Ned Flanders]
  • Ned Flanders: Monorail!
  • Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
  • Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
  • Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
  • [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
  • Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
  • [continues underneath those who speak]
  • Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
  • Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
  • Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
  • Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
  • Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
  • Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
  • Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
  • Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
  • Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
  • Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
  • Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
  • Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
  • Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
  • Lyle Lanely: Once again!
  • Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
  • Lyle Lanely: So in conlusion, Mono means one and rail means rail.
  • Lyle Lanely: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
  • [crowd laughs]
  • Homer: He heh... mule.
  • Lyle Lanely: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
  • [starts to walk out of the room]
  • Mayor Quimby: [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
  • Lyle Lanely: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
  • [runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]
  • Lyle Lanely: I give you the Springfield Monorail!
  • [crowd gasps]
  • Lyle Lanely: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
  • [holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]
  • Miss Hoover: Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.
  • Miss Hoover: MISS Hoover? That is hard to believe!
  • Miss Hoover: Oh, you. Ho, ho!
  • Lyle Lanely: Now, I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.
  • [kids raise their hands and call out "Me! Me!"]
  • Ralph Wiggum: Can it outrun The Flash?
  • Lyle Lanely: You bet!
  • Child in Lisa's Class: Can Superman outrun The Flash?
  • Lyle Lanely: Eh - sure, why not. Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?
  • Lisa Simpson: Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass-transit system in a small town with a centralized population.
  • Lyle Lanely: Ha, ha! Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
  • Lisa Simpson: Really?
  • Lyle Lanely: Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me - and that includes your teacher!
  • [Lisa giggles, flattered]
  • Lyle Lanely: Next question - you there, eating the paste.

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