Hank Azaria: Chief Wiggum • 'The Moon of Earth' Narrator • Prof. Frink • ...

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

Chief Wiggum • 'The Moon of Earth' Narrator • Prof. Frink • English Teacher • Black-Haired Cadet • Firing Range Instructor

Firing Range Instructor: Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
[hands Bart a grenade launcher]
Bart Simpson: Wow.
[Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance]
Firing Range Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
Bart Simpson: [slyly] Did I?
[Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car]
Nelson Muntz: HA-HA!

[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]
Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
Homer Simpson: Not very.

[the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]
Cadet in Poetry Class: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
Poetry Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge Simpson: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson: -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson: That's better.

Chief Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I've just got to check the answering machine.
[seeing there are 75 messages waiting]
Chief Wiggum: Oh, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in.
Brown-Haired Cadet: Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing.