Willem Dafoe credited as playing...
The Commandant
- [nearing the end of the year]
- The Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale.
- [the cadets gasp]
- The Commandant: That was prior to 1957, thank you very much State Supreme Court...
- The Commandant: Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation.
- [clears throat]
- The Commandant: You're a girl?
- The Commandant: Franklin, you're no longer the girliest cadet here.
- Franklin: [in a feminine voice] Well. We'll see about that.
- The Commandant: The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots.
- The Commandant: Consequently, now no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. Meet "the Eliminator." That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
- Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.
- The Commandant: [after Bart passes the Eliminator challenge] Good job, Simpson. Although, that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.
- The Commandant: All right, lights out!
- [as the lights go out, a thudding is heard]
- The Commandant: Ow! Damn it! Lights on. Lights on.
- [as they come back on, it's revealed he collided with a foot locker]
- The Commandant: [hobbling out] Lights out. Lights out.
- The Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.
- Lisa: [quietly elated] Yes!
- The Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
- Marge Simpson: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.
- The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.
- Bart Simpson: "Freak-outs?"
- Homer Simpson: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
- The Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
- Bart Simpson: [sotto to Lisa] My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
- The Commandant: Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.
- Lisa: [impressed] Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.
- Homer Simpson: They sure are.
- [throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain]
- Homer Simpson: That's not so disciplined.
- The Commandant: They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: Pfft! I guess.
- The Commandant: This is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company L.
- Brown-Haired Cadet: Company L? But they smell!
- The Commandant: Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now, fall out!
- The Commandant: In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. Oh, but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists. Welcome aboard.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.
- Bart Simpson: I wanna quit and come home.
- [cut to Homer and Marge preparing to leave]
- Bart Simpson: I wanna quit and come home.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.