Yeardley Smith credited as playing...
Lisa Simpson
- [crossing the "Eliminator" rope climb]
- Lisa: If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.
- Lisa: [reading a note from Bart] "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Oh...
- [holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]
- Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
- Bart Simpson: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
- Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!
- Lisa: Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
- Bart Simpson: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.
- Lisa: Why'd you say that?
- Bart Simpson: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.
- Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
- [the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]
- Cadet in Poetry Class: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
- Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
- Poetry Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
- Marge Simpson: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
- Lisa: [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!
- Bart Simpson: Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!
- [pause]
- Bart Simpson: You can put your arms down now, Lis.
- Lisa: I can't, they're stuck!
- [Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
- Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
- Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
- Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
- Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
- [ringing stops]
- Marge Simpson: -so!
- [covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
- Marge Simpson: That's better.
- The Commandant: Consequently, now no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. Meet "the Eliminator." That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
- Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.
- The Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.
- Lisa: [quietly elated] Yes!
- The Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
- Bart Simpson: You're gonna make it, Lise, and I'm gonna stick by you.
- Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
- Bart Simpson: Then I'll just stick by you in secret, like a sock-maker secretly working on a top-secret sock that...
- Lisa: Will you stop looking at your feet?
- Orderly: [answering a phone call] Simpson.
- Grampa Simpson: Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news.
- Lisa: Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you?
- Grampa Simpson: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.
- [later]
- Grampa Simpson: And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.
- [even later]
- Grampa Simpson: And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.
- Lisa: Uh-huh. So, anything else you wanna talk about?
- Grampa Simpson: Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.
- Jasper: [the other retirees express their disinterest] Mm-mm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.
- The Commandant: Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.
- Lisa: [impressed] Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.
- Homer Simpson: They sure are.
- [throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain]
- Homer Simpson: That's not so disciplined.
- The Commandant: They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: Pfft! I guess.
- Homer Simpson: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school!
- Lisa: And so am I.
- [the family gasps]
- Lisa: This school has everything I ever wanted.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
- Bart Simpson: No jail can hold me!
- [he runs away; with a chirp, a Jeep driven by MPs passes with him in the back seat]
- Bart Simpson: Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lise.
- Lisa: That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.
- Brown-Haired Cadet: Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!
- Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
- Principal Skinner: Of course, we can make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
- Miss Hoover: [ending an educational film] Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.
- Lisa: Oh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?
- Miss Hoover: [indifferently] Probably.
- Ralph Wiggum: [an educational film about the moon ends] Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
- Lisa: [seeing she's not there] Where's Miss Hoover?
- Janey Powell: [looking out the window] Hey, her car's gone.
- Ralph Wiggum: Maybe she drove to the moon.