Julie Kavner credited as playing...
Marge Simpson
- [Vampire Bart is about to bite Lisa]
- Homer Simpson: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis-
- [gasps, and pulls Lisa away from him]
- Homer Simpson: Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
- Grampa Simpson: [bursts into the room with a mallet and wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
- Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?
- Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!
- [runs off]
- Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
- Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
- [Looks at his watch]
- Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
- Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
- Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, we gotta do something. Today he's drinking people's blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!
- Bart Simpson: Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!
- Marge Simpson: Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?
- Bart Simpson: Yes, Mother.
- Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
- Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
- [Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
- Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
- Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
- Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
- Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
- [She laughs demonically]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom?
- Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
- Marge: Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.
- Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
- Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
- [the Jury of the Damned all laugh]
- Marge: Read the back, the back.
- Blackbeard: Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.
- Benedict Arnold: [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!
- Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.
- Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
- Marge: But we did win.
- Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, there's something fishy about this whole set up.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
- [Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned]
- Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one.
- Blackbeard: Arrr! This chair be high, says I.