Yeardley Smith credited as playing...
Lisa Simpson
- [Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]
- Lisa Simpson: Ew! Dad, this is blood!
- Homer Simpson: Correction: FREE blood.
- [guzzles it down and sighs]
- Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
- Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
- [Looks at his watch]
- Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
- Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
- Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
- Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
- Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!
- Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
- Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
- [Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
- Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
- Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
- Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
- Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
- [She laughs demonically]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom?
- Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
- Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
- Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.
- Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
- [Homer pulls open Burns' coffin]
- Homer: Take that, vile fiend!
- [aggressively pounds at the stake to no effect]
- Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.
- Homer: [pulls the stake out with a nervous chuckle] Sorry!
- [He aims the stake over Burns' heart, and drives it through with a single whack. Mr. Burns screams and writhes in horror before dying and crumbling to dust]
- Homer: [relieved] Ahhh...
- Mr. Burns: [suddenly comes back to life] You're fired!
- [dies and crumbles to dust again]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, there's something fishy about this whole set up.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
- Ned Flanders: Eh, your wide-behind wont' save you this time! Hey, Bart.
- Bart Simpson: Hey.
- Lisa Simpson: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
- Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. Huh. This is always so much easier in Mexico.
- Lisa Simpson: [vampires emerge from coffins and Bart is squeaking to warn Lisa] Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid Shemp.
- Lisa Simpson: [vampires are closing in and Bart makes another strange noise] Yeah, I've seen your Curly, too.