Patrick Stewart credited as playing...
Captain Jean-Luc Picard
- Capt. Picard: [entering Crusher's office with a little skip] Beverly.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Yes, Jean-Luc?
- Capt. Picard: You will address me as 'Captain'.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: [laughs] Captain? Oh, well then, my dear Captain, you will address *me* as 'Chief Medical Officer' or 'Doctor'.
- Capt. Picard: I will? That's true. I started off by calling you Beverly, and, of course, naturally, you... I'm still not thinking straight.
- Capt. Picard: Now, Doctor.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I believe I've become infected myself, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: Do you know what the infection is?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: *giggles drunkenly*
- Capt. Picard: Come on, quickly!
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Sorry! It is definitely like alcohol intoxication. The same lack of good judgment. For example, right now, I find you extremely, extremely... Of course, we haven't time for that sort of thing.
- Capt. Picard: What sort of thing?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: *eying his body* Oh god would I love to show you!
- Capt. Picard: Doctor! There must a cure, some formula. Hmph! Similar to the old one.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Damn it! Damn it! Captain! *leaning in for a kiss* My dear Captain...
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: *following him* You owe me something! You do realize that, don't you? *unzips top* I'm a woman.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I haven't had the comfort of a husband, a man... ..
- Capt. Picard: Not now Doctor! Please!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: There was a rather peculiar limerick, being delivered by someone in the shuttlecraft bay. I am not sure I understand it... "There was a young lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a... "
- Capt. Picard: Captain to Security, come in!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Did I say something wrong?
- Lieutenant Worf: I don't understand their humor either.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I believe that last sound was an emergency hatch being blown.
- Capt. Picard: Are you certain? Yes, of course you are.
- [Wesley has saved Enterprise from destruction with a repulsor beam]
- Commander William T. Riker: It's only fair to mention Wesley in a log entry, sir.
- Capt. Picard: Fair's fair. And let's credit his science teacher, too.
- Capt. Picard: You will now return control of this vessel to the bridge where it belongs, at once.
- Wesley Crusher: I'm sorry, sir. Why don't you just tell me what you want done and I'll do it.
- Capt. Picard: Because ship captains control their own vessels, young man!
- Wesley Crusher: But, sir, you don't do it yourself. You give the orders, but somebody else does it. What's wrong with giving me the orders to do it?
- Lieutenant Worf: Captain, getting unusual readings now from the dwarf star.
- Capt. Picard: Stand by on that for a moment.
- Capt. Picard: Wes, are you aware that you are behaving strangely? That a kind of... infection was brought over from the Tsiolkovsky which acts like intoxication?
- Wesley Crusher: Are you saying that's why I feel so hot and so strange?
- Capt. Picard: That's... that's a very adult bit of reasoning, Wesley.
- Wesley Crusher: So you mean I'm drunk! I feel strange but also good.
- Capt. Picard: Because... because you have lost the capacity for self-judgment. Now, alcohol does this, Wesley, but the contaminant we brought back from the Tsiolkovsky does it even more so.
- Wesley Crusher: What would you do if you got your ship back?
- Capt. Picard: Oh... it's very important I do, Wesley. Because I must immediately lock a tractor beam onto the Tsiolkovsky and tow it out of...
- Wesley Crusher: Tractor beams are my specialty, skipper! I'll contact you when that's done. Wesley out.
- [he ends the transmission]
- Capt. Picard: Number One, it seems our Security Chief has the equivalent of a snootful.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Inquiry, sir - 'snootful'?
- Capt. Picard: Forget it.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 41209.3. The strange contaminant that led to the deaths of the Tsiolkovsky crew is now aboard the Enterprise, and our engineering section has been commandeered by young Wesley Crusher.
- Wesley Crusher: And henceforth, a dessert course shall precede and follow every meal, including breakfast.
- Capt. Picard: [voice, over intercom] Attention all decks, all divisions. Effective immediately, I have handed over control of this vessel to Acting Captain Wesley Crusher.
- Capt. Picard: [incensed] "Acting Captain"?
- Wesley Crusher: [over intercom] Thank you, Captain Picard, thank you. And with that order dawns a brave new day for the Enterprise.
- Capt. Picard: I put it to you all. I think we shall end up with a fine crew - if we avoid temptation.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We are downloading the research information gathered on the collapsing star nearby. I am concerned at being in such close orbit, but the Tsiolkovsky's research records will no doubt predict the time of the star's final collapse.
- Sarah MacDougal: Reporting as ordered, sir.
- Capt. Picard: What?
- Sarah MacDougal: You ordered me to report to the bridge, sir.
- Capt. Picard: I did no such thing. I want you down in the engine room just in case we need to move out of here.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: [treating Geordi] According to our medical readouts, there's still nothing wrong with him. He looks like he's running a temperature but every instrument we have says he's not.
- Capt. Picard: Doctor, every person on that ship over there died. Is there any chance that whatever did it is loose on my ship?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: If you mean a disease, sir, I'd say there's no chance of it. We used full decontamination. We examined every team member very carefully.
- Capt. Picard: The entire crew somehow managed to kill themselves, Doctor. If it's not a disease, what else made them do it?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: The obvious alternatives are in the areas of insanity and severe emotional upset. Troi, do you feel anything unusual in the Lieutenant?
- Capt. Picard: Security just told me that he was longing for normal sight. That's a sudden yearning for that.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Since his records show no previous mention of that, the fact that it happened now could be important. But all I sense from him is confusion. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was intoxicated.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Our tests would have shown that; also any other signs of drugs, hallucinogens, or any other contaminants.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 41209.2. We are running at warp 7 to rendezvous with the science vessel SS Tsiolkovsky, which has been routinely monitoring the collapse of a red supergiant star into a white dwarf. What has brought us here is a series of strange messages indicating something has gone wrong aboard the research vessel.
- Commander William T. Riker: Captain, I believe we have the answer to what happened over there.
- Capt. Picard: [looking over Data's shoulder] The Constitution-class Starship Enterprise, Captain James T. Kirk commanding.
- Commander William T. Riker: Similar conditions. They were monitoring a planet that was breaking up and not a collapsing star, as in this case. But there were the same huge shifts in gravity.
- Capt. Picard: Which somehow resulted in complex strings of water molecules which acquired carbon from the body and acted... acted on the body like alcohol. Data, download this information to Medical immediately.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Aye, sir. Downloading.
- Capt. Picard: Fascinating. The entire crew going out of control.
- Commander William T. Riker: Like intoxication, but worse. Judgment almost completely impaired.
- Capt. Picard: Until they found this formula, barely in time.
- [pressing a console button]
- Capt. Picard: Picard to Dr. Crusher. Come in.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: This is Crusher. Go ahead, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: You can relax, Doctor. The answer to all of this is feeding into your medical banks right now; including a cure.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Are you certain, Captain?
- Capt. Picard: Absolutely.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Sickbay to bridge.
- Capt. Picard: Picard here. Go ahead, Doctor.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I'm confining Lt. La Forge to Sickbay until further notice.
- Capt. Picard: Do we have a problem, Doctor?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I don't know yet.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I can't find anything unusual in any of the tricorder readings they sent over, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: Give me a theory, Doctor. Anything. Madness. Mass hysteria. Delusion?
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Any or all, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: All right, let's bring the away team back. Set the transporter to maximum decontamination and then full examination and observation when they're here.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Sir, I think Tasha's been infected, too. She just left my quarters.
- Capt. Picard: Counselor, it's not actually an infection.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Yes, sir, it's more like an intoxication. But whatever it is, she's got it.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. it is no longer an inconvenient, childish prank. Young Wesley Crusher, admittedly a victim of the Tsiolkovsky infection, is now in control of my starship.