[first lines]
Alan Harper: [shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You, you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart and suck it dry?"
Charlie Harper: Mom, or ex-wife?
Alan Harper: [hand over phone] Ex-wife.
Charlie Harper: Hi, Judith!
Alan Harper: Charlie says, "Hello".
Alan Harper: She says, "Hi".
[shouting again]
Alan Harper: You're evil and selfish, you know that? No! No! No, I, I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony and child support so that you can have a nice house, a nice car and every weekend free because I've got Jake! And yet, you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*! Oh, really? Oh, really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?
Charlie Harper: The boob lift.
Alan Harper: [phone] The boob lift?
Charlie Harper: That you paid for.
Alan Harper: [phone] That I paid for!
Charlie Harper: And never got to see.
Alan Harper: [phone] And never got to see! No! No! No, you listen to me! I think you lead a damn fine lifestyle that I work sixty hours a week to support! So, if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me! Alright then! Good-bye.
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Um, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week, so Jake's staying here.
Charlie Harper: [sarcastically] I'm shocked.
