Ice Spiders

The federal government is at it again in Ice Spiders. In the mountains of Utah where only a few skiers are having a great old time at a resort, our government has a big old giant laboratory where scientists Vanessa Williams and David Milbern have been breeding some ancient giant spiders with a technique that was first mentioned in Jurassic Park. It's also a plot idea that was used in the Lou Diamond Phillips movie Bats where Milbern goes as batty as the scientist who created those creatures in that film. Your tax dollars at work.

The hunters and the skiers are being chewed up, stored and eaten by these critters, the usual mayhem that giant anythings cause among the human population in these films. The guy who takes it the most seriously is ski instructor Patrick Muldoon, once a US Olympic hopeful. He and Vanessa see eye to eye on the giant spiders and each other of course.

I guess the idea was breed these things and then loose them on North Korea or Iran or any other country that was giving us problems. As is usual in these films, the critters get out of hand. The whole cast walks around with embarrassed looks on their faces.

Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America crown over those embarrassing nude pictures. She looks more embarrassed in this film than those snapshots of long ago ever caused.

And well she should.

No, not the spiders, the characters' gene pools are the biggest threat here. This movie was crammed full of idiot characters I cared nothing about whatsoever. Had me rooting for the spiders all the way, hoping they would make sure these people never procreated. The film was boring, riddled with plot holes, inane dialogue, crap effects and just soooo many goofs I lost count half way through. Had to watch this in two parts as I just couldn't take it after an hour. I seldom if ever don't finish a film though, so cringed my way through the dismal last 20 and a bit minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Yes, I know this was made for cable, it's meant to be a bit of fun and mindless, but did they really have to make it THAT bad? I love a good b-movie, but this was grade z garbage.

See Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the spiders or pretty much any other spider movie out there. And if you want to see good skiing, just watch anything else but this. Even Ski School and Ski Patrol had better actors and skiing.

Patrick Muldoon is no stranger to what awaits, as he took on intergalactic space bugs at one stage of his career, now in this lame-brain Syfy enterprise, he finds himself facing a much different type of creepy crawly; genetically altered gigantic arachnids on the ski slopes courtesy of government secret experimenting going on in nearby labs. "ICE SPIDERS" does exactly what it says on the tin, and much more. Overdone, streamlined CGI spiders run rampant, causing bloody carnage, jumping on and cocooning government employees and skiers at the remote Lost Mountain ski resort. It's up to Muldoon (retired Olympic skier), Vanessa Williams (doctor working at the lab) and Stephen J. Cannell (resort owner) to put a stop on these spiders killing the remaining survivors. The genuine combination between the three, keeps it perky and on the move. Everything sticks to clichés and thrills are cheesy, yet mostly played straight with moments of outrageous blood splatter and spider POV vision, where you can't help but chuckle. Sure it won't win any awards, but it's okay time-waster, even if only for background noise.

This is what somebody runs into the lobby of the dead ski resort and shouts. This is classic stuff. Unfortunately, one doubts that it's intentional. The skiers who ski down the hill and stop in a heap so that the skittery spiders can attack effortlessly are like something from Monty Python. The Olympic team huddled behind the machinery and watching from afar is supremely atrocious. I want to laugh but it's too stupid. It's like laughing at a physically impaired person falling out of his wheelchair. No, Sci-Fi channel is way too cynical to earn any more of my time. This is pure tripe. Have they a single idea in their heads, or must it all be this embarrassing crap...? (Alas, rhetorical question.)

If nothing else, the giant spiders in ICE SPIDERS look pretty convincing. A group of skiers run into a messed-up lab experiment, a bunch of black widow spiders the size of rottweilers that are on the loose and plenty hungry. The location photography is gorgeous and the skiing sequences are great, although they sometimes give the appearance of being stock footage. Pat Muldoon of STARSHIP TROOPERS stars, and legendary TV mogul Steven Cannell is on board as one of the besieged group. Beware: This is otherwise a typical Sci-Fi Channel job, so have a good stiff drink before watching. We do get snow scenes instead of the endless eastern European wood and field scenes of past productions for the channel.