Ice Spiders

The federal government is at it again in Ice Spiders. In the mountains of Utah where only a few skiers are having a great old time at a resort, our government has a big old giant laboratory where scientists Vanessa Williams and David Milbern have been breeding some ancient giant spiders with a technique that was first mentioned in Jurassic Park. It's also a plot idea that was used in the Lou Diamond Phillips movie Bats where Milbern goes as batty as the scientist who created those creatures in that film. Your tax dollars at work.

The hunters and the skiers are being chewed up, stored and eaten by these critters, the usual mayhem that giant anythings cause among the human population in these films. The guy who takes it the most seriously is ski instructor Patrick Muldoon, once a US Olympic hopeful. He and Vanessa see eye to eye on the giant spiders and each other of course.

I guess the idea was breed these things and then loose them on North Korea or Iran or any other country that was giving us problems. As is usual in these films, the critters get out of hand. The whole cast walks around with embarrassed looks on their faces.

Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America crown over those embarrassing nude pictures. She looks more embarrassed in this film than those snapshots of long ago ever caused.

And well she should.

Ice Spiders (2007)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

A rundown ski resort comes under attack by large, genetically engineered spiders. It turns out that the government was using a place close to the resort to do their experiments but the spiders broke loose and now they're chewing on people. It's now up to a former Olympian skier (Patrick Muldoon) to try and stop them. Back when this "nature" sub-genre started we would get classics like THEM! and then bad but fun camp movies like EARTH VS. THE SPIDER. This film here certainly falls into the campy category and I'm sure a large number of people are going to hate this film but I thought it was goofy enough to be enjoyed on a "B" movie level. I think one of the biggest pluses are the actual CGI spiders. Yes, they're obviously fake but there's just something about them that appeals to the Ed Wood lover in me. I thought the spiders were rather charming and I must admit that I found it fun watching them pick off people in a wide range of ways. There's a very good sequence early on when they attack some hunters and one of the men gets wrapped up in the spider's web. Another good sequence has a bunch of skiers going down the slopes to get away from them but the spiders pick them off one by one. The death sequences aren't overly violent but fans of the red stuff will be happy to see that there's some small amounts of gore. The performances certainly aren't anything ground breaking but I enjoyed Muldoon in his role. His hippie-like character is charming enough and the actor manages to make the role at least entertaining. I also enjoyed Vanessa Williams as the doctor. Stephen J. Cannell is also fun as the resort owner. Those who only want high art are certainly going to hate this movie and I'd be willing to bet that a large number of horror fans will as well. I think those who can enjoy camp will probably get some mild entertainment out of this thing as long as they don't take it too serious and can plant their tongue firmly in their cheek.

No, not the spiders, the characters' gene pools are the biggest threat here. This movie was crammed full of idiot characters I cared nothing about whatsoever. Had me rooting for the spiders all the way, hoping they would make sure these people never procreated. The film was boring, riddled with plot holes, inane dialogue, crap effects and just soooo many goofs I lost count half way through. Had to watch this in two parts as I just couldn't take it after an hour. I seldom if ever don't finish a film though, so cringed my way through the dismal last 20 and a bit minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Yes, I know this was made for cable, it's meant to be a bit of fun and mindless, but did they really have to make it THAT bad? I love a good b-movie, but this was grade z garbage.

See Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the spiders or pretty much any other spider movie out there. And if you want to see good skiing, just watch anything else but this. Even Ski School and Ski Patrol had better actors and skiing.

OK to start with--this could have been much worse. The acting was fairly lame--picture stereotypical surf dude dialogue-- and the story itself is one we've seen repeatedly. I think the coolest thing about it was Stephen Cannel. I kept thinking that it was just someone who looks like him. He had a bigger role than I had expected. I have to admit I liked the ending. If anyone has seen the end of the 2nd feature of Grindhouse---I didn't cheer as much but it was OK. :) Don't watch this expecting too much--if you are watching anything on the SciFi Original Saturday nights---surely you wouldn't be doing that anyway. It is an OK way to waste 2 hours if you have nothing better to do.

I've watched about 30 minutes of this movie, and it's been enough to conclude that the script is a piece of junk, the acting is just as bad, the CGI looks like an tenth grader programmed it in his afternoon study hall, and that the movie is a total waste of time and brain power. The only thing that could make this movie worse would be to cast Steven Seagal as the lead. Actually, he couldn't have done any worse than the guy who did play the lead. NOTHING about this movie is entertaining or of any value. I honestly wish I would not have wasted the past half an hour of my life watching it.

Spider food? Come on.