Ice Spiders

If nothing else, the giant spiders in ICE SPIDERS look pretty convincing. A group of skiers run into a messed-up lab experiment, a bunch of black widow spiders the size of rottweilers that are on the loose and plenty hungry. The location photography is gorgeous and the skiing sequences are great, although they sometimes give the appearance of being stock footage. Pat Muldoon of STARSHIP TROOPERS stars, and legendary TV mogul Steven Cannell is on board as one of the besieged group. Beware: This is otherwise a typical Sci-Fi Channel job, so have a good stiff drink before watching. We do get snow scenes instead of the endless eastern European wood and field scenes of past productions for the channel.

OK to start with--this could have been much worse. The acting was fairly lame--picture stereotypical surf dude dialogue-- and the story itself is one we've seen repeatedly. I think the coolest thing about it was Stephen Cannel. I kept thinking that it was just someone who looks like him. He had a bigger role than I had expected. I have to admit I liked the ending. If anyone has seen the end of the 2nd feature of Grindhouse---I didn't cheer as much but it was OK. :) Don't watch this expecting too much--if you are watching anything on the SciFi Original Saturday nights---surely you wouldn't be doing that anyway. It is an OK way to waste 2 hours if you have nothing better to do.

This is what somebody runs into the lobby of the dead ski resort and shouts. This is classic stuff. Unfortunately, one doubts that it's intentional. The skiers who ski down the hill and stop in a heap so that the skittery spiders can attack effortlessly are like something from Monty Python. The Olympic team huddled behind the machinery and watching from afar is supremely atrocious. I want to laugh but it's too stupid. It's like laughing at a physically impaired person falling out of his wheelchair. No, Sci-Fi channel is way too cynical to earn any more of my time. This is pure tripe. Have they a single idea in their heads, or must it all be this embarrassing crap...? (Alas, rhetorical question.)

All the spiders are different species and colors so of course they have the scientist say that they all basically look the same. Ugh. The only good thing about this movie is that a guy has his entire lower body eaten and an hour later we can still see him clearly breathing. The ending may be the worse ending of any movie ever.

I've watched about 30 minutes of this movie, and it's been enough to conclude that the script is a piece of junk, the acting is just as bad, the CGI looks like an tenth grader programmed it in his afternoon study hall, and that the movie is a total waste of time and brain power. The only thing that could make this movie worse would be to cast Steven Seagal as the lead. Actually, he couldn't have done any worse than the guy who did play the lead. NOTHING about this movie is entertaining or of any value. I honestly wish I would not have wasted the past half an hour of my life watching it.

Spider food? Come on.