Danny DeVito credited as playing...
Frank Reynolds
- Dennis Reynolds: I am not banging my sister.
- Barbara Reynolds: Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?
- Dee Reynolds: Oh my God.
- Barbara Reynolds: You two aren't having *sex* together...
- Dennis Reynolds: No, we're not having sex.
- Frank Reynolds: What the hell is she doing here?
- Dee Reynolds: Sit down please, Mom.
- Barbara Reynolds: I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
- Dennis Reynolds: It's not perverted!
- Frank Reynolds: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!
- Dennis Reynolds: [shouts] I am not banging my sister!
- Dee Reynolds: We need to talk to you about something, Dad.
- Frank Reynolds: Shoot.
- Dennis Reynolds: It's kind of disturbing.
- Frank Reynolds: You two aren't banging, are you?
- Dee Reynolds: What?
- Dennis Reynolds: No! What are you talking about?
- Dee Reynolds: No, that's disgusting.
- Frank Reynolds: Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.
- Frank Reynolds: [looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Shit! He hasn't accepted my friend request!
- Charlie Kelly: Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.
- Frank Reynolds: It's been days! I have no friends!
- Charlie Kelly: Would you stop saying that? You have friends.
- Frank Reynolds: Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.
- Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah.
- Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
- Charlie Kelly: Hard?
- Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
- Charlie Kelly: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
- Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
- Charlie Kelly: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
- Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
- Charlie Kelly: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
- Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
- Frank Reynolds: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
- Mac: Frank we're in.
- Frank Reynolds: Great!
- [Fires Gun]
- Dennis Reynolds: There's this guy, Bruce, who contacted Dee on MySpace, and he's claiming to be our biological father.
- Dee Reynolds: We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way, is there a chance that that could be possible?
- Frank Reynolds: No.
- Barbara Reynolds: Yes.
- Frank Reynolds: What?
- Barbara Reynolds: Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
- Dee Reynolds: Yeah.
- Barbara Reynolds: Then yes.
- Dee Reynolds: There's a chance this guy could be our father?
- Barbara Reynolds: No, yes, he *is* your father.
- Frank Reynolds: What the hell are you talking about?
- Barbara Reynolds: Do we really have to get into all of this?
- Frank Reynolds: Yes, we really have to get into all of this!
- Dennis Reynolds: [overlapping] Oh, my god, yes!
- Barbara Reynolds: Fine, fine, fine! Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world. A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair, or whatever you want to call it. Long story short: he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision. Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone was if I didn't tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
- Dennis Reynolds: [shocked] End of story?
- Frank Reynolds: How could you do that?
- Barbara Reynolds: I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
- [to Dennis and Dee]
- Barbara Reynolds: Children, would you like to have been aborted?