Timmy Williams credited as playing...
Various
- [Englishman #1 begins to urinate on Englishman #2's leg]
- Englishman #2: I say, sir. You seem to be peeing upon my leg.
- Englishman #1: Ah, what's all this?
- Englishman #2: Uh, good sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.
- Englishman #1: Ah! Well, it seems to me that your leg's in the way of my pee stream.
- Englishman #2: Yes, yes, well, I'm sure you'd find if you would just kindly angle your pee stream a fraction to the left, that it would find it's way to the ground quite uninterrupted.
- Englishman #1: And I'm quite sure that if you'd but move your leg a fraction to the left, you would find it would cease to be peed upon.
- Englishman #2: Yes, yes, yes, yes. But my leg was here first.
- Englishman #1: Yes, and still I pee.
- Englishman #2: Hmm.
- Englishman #2: It appears we're at an impasse.
- Englishman #2: Yes, I see, but you will eventually run out of pee, of which to expel upon my leg, thus leaving me the victor in this little battle.
- [Englishman #1 brandishes a watter bottle]
- Englishman #1: Ha!
- Englishman #2: Hmm, touché. Touché. And yet you merely delay the inevitable. 'Cause eventually that water bottle will be rendered dry and your bladder will follow in turn.
- Englishman #1: [to British Boy] I say, boy!
- British Boy: Yes, gov'nor?
- Englishman #1: Be a good chap. Run to Boobie's Water Pub, return here with a half-liter. Be a good lad, and steady, and they'll be more employment where that came from.
- Englishman #2: I say, boy, I'll give you a whole two pence not to go to Boobie's Water Pub, and instead to go home and mind your studies.
- British Boy: Oh, boy! My studies!
- Englishman #1: You get to Boobie's Water Pub or I'll box your ears!
- British Boy: Right!
- [pause]
- Englishman #1: And still I pee.
- Father: You see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we've grown tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extra marital affairs.
- Trevor: [grossed out] Aw, dad...
- Father: Hey, hey, let me finish. So to avoid the pitfalls that affect so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial "sack".
- Trevor: Aw, come on!
- Father: Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole!
- Trevor, Zach, Sam: Oh, dad!
- Sam: Be quiet!
- Father: Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad! Everybody's happy! Your mom's happy she's not being cheated on, I'm definitely happy, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! That family's all together!
- Angry Mormon Father: [constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Yes, father.
- Petrified Mormon Mother: Timothy, your father and I...
- Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: [nods] Yes.
- Angry Mormon Father: However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
- Angry Mormon Father: Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...
- [he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
- Angry Mormon Father: Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
- Petrified Mormon Mother: [murmurs incoherently]
- Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.
- [they touch hands]
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
- Angry Mormon Father: Happy birthday, son.
- Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Thank you, sir!