Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

World's Greatest Couple

Barney Stinson

Lily Aldrin: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney Stinson: [Points to wall] See that wall?
[Turns on TV]
Barney Stinson: 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily Aldrin: It hurts my eyes...
Barney Stinson: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Ted Mosby: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted Mosby: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin Scherbatsky: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney Stinson: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney Stinson: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Narrator: Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in new york, none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did.
Barney Stinson: [In Barney's bed, Lily and Barney wake up] Aaaaaaah!
Lily Aldrin: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Narrator: It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role.

Barney Stinson: You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go.
Lily Aldrin: Barney. I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself. You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, and it actually felt okay. And that terrifies you.
Barney Stinson: Uh-huh. You gotta go.

Barney Stinson: [both screaming after waking up in the same bed] I can't believe we just... You and I... What have we done?
Lily Aldrin: [realizing, relieved] Nothing. Nothing happened. We-we just went to sleep.
Barney Stinson: Just went to sleep? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. How could... You. You spooned me against my will.
Lily Aldrin: Hey, it takes two to cuddle.
Barney Stinson: We... We... We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch Letterman, and then slept together and didn't have sex? Oh, my god, we're in a relationship.

Barney Stinson: Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours... fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!
Lily Aldrin: Ewwww... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say 'gimme multiple high-fives'!
Barney Stinson: Wow, you really are desperate.
Lily Aldrin: I really am.