Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

The best thing about Lucifer Valentine's Slaughtered Vomit Dolls is its lurid title.

Devoid of a coherent narrative and lacking technical merit of any sort, this 'movie' succeeded only in making me feel slightly queasy, thanks to endless shots of degenerate low-lifes making themselves puke. Since I've always found the sight of people yarfing up their lunch rather off-putting, that really is no great achievement.

Valentine's cast are a skeezy bunch of strippers, whores and losers who prattle on to the camera about who-knows-what, only stopping in order to lose their lunch onto glass top coffee tables, into toilet bowls, and, in one scene, into a person's skull cavity (after they have had their cranium removed and their brains eaten). To a lover of extreme film-making, this might sound like an unmissable treat; but don't be fooled—it isn't.

I am unsure as to whether this movie is supposed to be art, exploitation, or something else entirely, but the one thing I am sure about is that it is complete and utter rubbish. I guess the gore (which includes a prolonged scene of eyeball fondling) might've made the whole thing just about bearable, if the dodgy camera-work and bad editing hadn't made it so difficult to see what was happening.

Add to the lousy visuals a headache-inducing cacophonous soundtrack, and the result is an incomprehensible mess that has found a small (and, judging by the comments on IMDb, mostly disappointed) audience only by appealing to their sense of morbid curiosity.

This movie is honestly one of the most pretentious movies I've ever seen. It is like an amalgamation of every single pretentious art house film trope ever: the found footage style to make up for the terrible production quality, the random over the top gore and nudity, the religious imagery, the reversed audio, the jumbled editing, the complete lack of any coherent plot or characters, etc. And for defenders of this film who will say, "it's not supposed to make sense; it's supposed to be open to interpretation; you missed the point of the movie," I will say, that doesn't matter. Yes, art is art, anyone can find some meaning in almost anything, but this movie is a jumbled mess. It's repetitive, beyond just the fact that it kinda just cycles between brutal violence and gore, people vomiting, and random abruptly cut, out of context dialogue, it literally reuses so much footage over and over. I swear they probably only recorded about 30 minutes of footage, and just extended it out to 110 minutes by just repeating the footage over and over. This movie gives me the terrible impression that it thinks it's super deep and creative and outside the box, when really it's just edgy for the sake of being edgy. Pushing boundaries and having a lot of nudity and gore isn't inherently pretentious, so long as it is doing those things for the sake of making a point or showing a deeper meaning. But this movie is the opposite of that, it's ridiculously over the top disgusting for the sake of being disgusting and getting attention.

For a movie titled "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls" (and what exactly is a 'vomit doll' anyway?) and with an IMDb synopsis which reads: "The gruesome tapestry of psychological manifestations of a nineteen year old bulimic runaway stripper-turned prostitute as she descends into a hellish pit of satanic nightmares and hallucinations", Lucifer Valentine's 2006 opus "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls" is exceptionally dull. When it's not boring you "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls" seems especially keen on slaughtering your brain cells with its never before reached level of stupidity.

Hey, we all like a good dumb movie. "Lifeforce". "Plan 9". "Manos". "Hobgoblins". But those were funny. They were amusingly bad. Sometimes they became awfully boring, but you sat there amazed at how bad they were. Then you come to "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls", which reaches an unprecedented level of idiocy. There is absolutely not even an attempt at basic competence in the film-making or writing or acting. Any effort made on the film went into the gore effects, which, while reasonably well-done, we are unable to focus on due to Valentine's apparent attempt to violate every basic law of film-making. It's like watching a bad parody of a Nine Inch Nails video for 70 minutes.

The acting talent including Pig Lizzy, Princess Pam, and Miss Pussy Pants do an admirable job at vomiting and being slaughtered, as well as being dolls, although you can smell their teeth rotting from all the meth just by watching the movie. The male talent do a spectacular job at vomiting and slaughtering as well.

Overall this might just be truly the worst film of all time. "Ben and Arthur" would have to be significantly worse than I expect it to be to claim the title.

Have you seen the trailer to this film? Well, imagine that same thing only have it last 71 minutes long. That's basically what this film is. There's a lot of puking, guts, nudity, and satanic music, but none of it means anything. There is no substance, style, taste, originality, plot, acting, or script. I could make a movie just like this.

1.) Buy and take the time to create a bunch of fake body parts and gross effects to have them at my disposal and then film my friends getting naked and pretending to do gross things with them.

2.) I mix a few buckets of fake blood and guts, tell them to all get naked, make a lot of pea soup, splash them with the stuff and have them pretending to vomit the stuff out, and then turn the camera on, dim the lights, and start filming.

3.) I cover them with fake blood and guts and hen tell them to tell them to get naked and pretend to puke them out. Then I turn the camera on again, dim the lights and film them doing that.

4.) The I could make some industrial music and then run it through a computer mixer and have it play backwards and then record that on the soundtrack.

5.) I rinse and repeat all three things and then take the footage and edit it all together and make it as disjointed and unplanned as possible.

6.) Then, I take the footage, add credits and print it and BAM! I have made a film with the same amount of creativity and appeal.

So that's it. The director, Lucifer Valentine, obviously had a lot of fun making this, but he neglected to make a movie. It's too bad because I could totally see him making something even crazier and more messed up and creative than this. If you like gore, well, you've seen better.

What the hell was that mess I just watched??? Well, apparently it was meant to be the sickest, scariest, most disturbing thing ever made. Well, Slaughtered Vomit Dolls is far from any of those, in fact, it was merely a pathetic attempt to shock using vomit-gore. And there wasn't even that much of it, it was mainly some random nudity and a girl talking about her feelings. It was poorly edited, it had no plot whatsoever, the music was appalling and for some reason the director slowed down the voices. That was just irritating.

The gore was fairly well done with some sick effects (including a detailed face-stabbing/eye removal scene) but some were spoiled by ludicrous events. Eg. a girl gets her arm sawed off then she is handed a guitar (WTF????!!!!!????!!!). Really dumb and unintentionally funny. The vomit scenes were fairly nauseating but they were all just them sticking their hands down their throats.

Please, don't waste your life on this movie, it was pointless and boring as *beep*. Just a pathetic attempt to be shocking.

0/5.