Charlie Day credited as playing...
Charlie Kelly
- Charlie Kelly: [In his apartment, Charlie is holding his recording camera] You guys feeling extreme? Ah, this looks beautiful. You guys ready for this?
- Mac: [offscreen] I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's do this.
- Charlie Kelly: Okay, okay, okay. And...
- [low voice]
- Charlie Kelly: action.
- [We see Dennis and Mac dressed in camouflage shirts and using towels as head wraps, pretending to be Islamic terrorists. Dennis speaks in mock Arabic that would be heard in a jihad video. Charlie lowers his camera to stop filming.]
- Charlie Kelly: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
- Dennis Reynolds: [uncovers his face] That's what those tapes sound like.
- Charlie Kelly: Why don't you read the script that I wrote?
- Dennis Reynolds: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
- Charlie Kelly: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
- Dennis Reynolds: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
- [prepares to put the towel back over his face]
- Charlie Kelly: [protesting] He's not gonna know what you're saying!
- Dennis Reynolds: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something.
- Charlie Kelly: How am I gonna do subtitles?
- Mac: [pulls his towel down] I feel like I should have something in my hands.
- Dennis Reynolds: You don't need anything in your hands.
- Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
- Dennis Reynolds: He doesn't need a...
- [annoyed]
- Dennis Reynolds: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
- Charlie Kelly: Read the script.
- Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna read the script.
- Charlie Kelly: [completely pissed at this point] Read the- who's the director here?
- Dennis Reynolds: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
- Charlie Kelly: [peeved] Alright, fine.
- [opens the recorder again]
- Charlie Kelly: Action!
- Dennis Reynolds: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
- Charlie Kelly: [realizing] Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
- Dennis Reynolds: [puts the towel over his face] Alright, here we go.
- Charlie Kelly: Action.
- [Dennis proceeds to speak in mock Arabic again]
- Mac: [pulls down his towel again and interrupts, ruining the take] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon! I'll be right back!
- Charlie Kelly: [annoyed] You don't need a...!
- [slams the recorder closed]
- Dennis Reynolds: He's going to get a weapon, everybody!
- [shouting]
- Dennis Reynolds: Everybody! Everybody get a weapon!
- Charlie Kelly: Can we.. You think we can make this look more like a cave?
- Charlie Kelly: Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.
- Mac: What? Why?
- Charlie Kelly: They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.
- Mac: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
- Charlie Kelly: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
- Mac: Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?
- Charlie Kelly: Poop on the shoes, man!
- Mrs. Reynolds: Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shit hole! Is this how you've been living?
- Frank Reynolds: We make it work. What do you want?
- Mrs. Reynolds: I want to talk.
- Frank Reynolds: I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.
- Mrs. Reynolds: I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.
- Frank Reynolds: My money. I made it, you spent it.
- Charlie Kelly: Burn. There you go, buddy.
- [Charlie and Frank hi-five]
- Mrs. Reynolds: How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
- Frank Reynolds: A series of Mexican women?
- Charlie Kelly: A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.
- [they hi-five again]
- Mrs. Reynolds: You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my shit back. You took my shit from our home and I want it back.
- Frank Reynolds: Well, I didn't take anything.
- Mrs. Reynolds: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
- Frank Reynolds: Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.
- Charlie Kelly: Beautiful.
- [Charlie hi-fives Frank and is then slapped in the face by Barbara]
- Mrs. Reynolds: I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!
- Dennis Reynolds: [Paddy's Pub, nighttime. Charlie, Dennis, and Mac are watching the jihad tape they recorded. In the video, Dennis is speaking mock Arabic before speaking in English] You not make restaurant here. Bad decision.
- [speaks mock Arabic again]
- Mac: [holding up a hammer in the tape] We will crush your skull with our weapons!
- Dennis Reynolds: [Dennis pauses the tape and we see the guys looking clearly disturbed with Dennis shaking his head] We can't send this.
- Mac: [in agreement] Nope.
- Charlie Kelly: [confused] What are you guys talking about?
- Mac: We're gonna get arrested.
- Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, or murdered. This is a little too extreme, Charlie.
- Mac: Man, I feel sick.
- Dennis Reynolds: Me too.
- Charlie Kelly: [feeling insulted, grows defensive] What, you think I don't feel sick? Okay. I'm sick. I feel very sick, but I directed the shit out of this video. This stuff is gold.
- Mac: [exasperated] You're not the one on TV dressed like a terrorist threatening Jews, Charlie.
- Dennis Reynolds: [slightly disgusted] Oh, Mac.
- Mac: That context was fine, Dennis. Trust me. I was thinking about it when we were watching the video.
- Charlie Kelly: All right. Okay. What are we supposed to do then?
- [silence befalls the three as Mac and Dennis sigh while they think of a different plan to get rid of Frenkel]
- Charlie Kelly: Can I throw a bag of poop through the window?
- Dennis Reynolds, Mac: Yes.
- [Charlie claps his hands together as Mac and Dennis start to walk away to enact their new plan. Charlie initially follows them but turns around to eject the videotape, titled "Jihad Tape", from the VCR. Charlie proceeds to unzip his jacket partially, sticks the tape inside, zips his jacket back up, and follows Mac and Dennis]