Bacterium

I'd like to sincerely thank the makers of this film, for showing that this type of thing can still get made.

Is Bacterium great art/cinema? No. But I like to imagine that the filmmakers may well have said, when it was all edited and done and the last booger flicked away, "No, we didn't have a kerjillion dollars, but we made this with all the love we have, and now we offer it to you. Have a blast." Yes -- that is corny. I'm getting old.

If you watched Deadly Spawn and loved it, give this a try.

Obviously low budget? Check. Acting that veers wildly from watchable to really bad? Check. Kind-of-cheesy score that harks back to the 1970s or (brrr) 1980s? Check. Script that has giant holes, couldn't really be called "well-crafted," but is occasionally quite clever? Check. Distinct lack of flawless, soulless CGI? Check. Other distinct lack of Keanu Reeves or Kevin Costner standing around being out-acted by the cinematography? Double check.

Friends, I didn't think this was even possible any more. Okay, Bacterium has longeurs, especially early on, but once the booger monsters get going, watch out! And these brave, brave actors: they may not rise to the levels of your Olivier or your Carrot Top, but -- they not only do fierce battle with big balls of half-dried snot, they sometimes roll around in them.

In the end I love Bacterium 200,000% more than any given product of multi-million-mega-McDisney-wood, if only because it ISN'T all about the money.

'Bacterium' is a movie almost impossible to vote for, because from one minute to the next, it mutates from a 1 to a 10 or vice versa. The scene where the scientist talks about his super-bomb, while the politicians don't understand a word of his scientific explanations and decide to just toss a coin (to bomb or not to bomb, that is the question) is the funniest scene of that kind since 'Dr Strangelove'. On the other hand, the movie has rather tedious scenes in the military guys' HQ and the house as well, for example when the kids are watching the monster crawling in circles and growing a bit, then crawling some more and growing some more... you might watch the pond with the goldfish instead. Of course you would miss the hot chick then, taking her clothes off for a decontamination shower. Strangely enough, no-one else in the whole movie needed a decontamination shower, must be one of those purely coincidental things. In the end, with its ingredients (bikers, monsters, mad scientists), 'Bacterium' is cool despite the occasional flaws (paint-ball?) along the way.

We should have known better. I've long had a theory that any film with a title ending in 'um' or 'ium' will turn out to be utter bilge, as it will have been made by students who think such a title gives their feeble movie an air of class or artiness. Here we have the perfect example. Attractive girls removing their clothes may help take your mind off the junk that passes for plot and acting, but in the end it doesn't get us very far. Avoid.

Is this movie so bad it is good? Not really. The acting ranged from none at all to over the top, but neither served it well. Naturally, a military experiment to make a biological weapon that would be short acting but deadly, and it mutated into something that could wipe out every living thing on earth. Perhaps the best part is that the movie is short. But in that time, it seemed as if many different versions of the script were done, and then parts of each were put into the film. A real mess. Using practical effects was the right approach for the low budget movie, but perhaps if they spent less on renting the helicopter, that money could have been used to come up with a better flowing script. This is a movie one does not want to put any effort into thinking about, as one will see the numerous flaws that detract from watching it.

Unable to finish film due to crying of laughter and needing to pause, the nightmare/dream scene is one of the best in cinema history; the only film I've watched that rivals the lord of the rings.