Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Evelyn: Can you believe it? Two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral, and the one who did was drunk and cracking tasteless jokes about his mother all throughout the service!
- Charlie Harper: You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?
- Alan Harper: Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
- Charlie Harper: If she realized how people see her, she'd just get new people.
- Charlie Harper: [two weeks later, at their mother's house, after they had hurt her feelings, they walk in and discover two men and a boy doting on her] Son-of-a-bitch! She got new people!
- Alan Harper: [voice comes from upstairs, as Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn dressed in black, holding a scythe] Who's at the door?
- Charlie Harper: It's Death!
- Alan Harper: Hi, Mom!
- Alan Harper: [Charlie is trying to leave, to avoid taking his mother out to dinner] There's an option to running away from her.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but we'd get caught, and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence.
- Peggy: [while shopping for their mother's birthday gift, the sales clerk asks] Have you considered a nice perfume? Do you know her scent?
- Alan Harper: Oh. Actually, I don't.
- Charlie Harper: I do.
- Alan Harper: You do?
- Charlie Harper: Yep. Do you carry Chanel #666?
- Alan Harper: You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?
- Charlie Harper: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
- Alan Harper: Typical! Nothing for Alan to do.
- Charlie Harper: [pretending to be irritated] Okaaay. You can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
- Alan Harper: Thank you!