Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Alan Harper: Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
- Charlie Harper: If she realized how people see her, she'd just get new people.
- Charlie Harper: [two weeks later, at their mother's house, after they had hurt her feelings, they walk in and discover two men and a boy doting on her] Son-of-a-bitch! She got new people!
- Alan Harper: [voice comes from upstairs, as Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn dressed in black, holding a scythe] Who's at the door?
- Charlie Harper: It's Death!
- Alan Harper: Hi, Mom!
- Alan Harper: [Charlie is trying to leave, to avoid taking his mother out to dinner] There's an option to running away from her.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but we'd get caught, and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence.
- Peggy: [while shopping for their mother's birthday gift, the sales clerk asks] Have you considered a nice perfume? Do you know her scent?
- Alan Harper: Oh. Actually, I don't.
- Charlie Harper: I do.
- Alan Harper: You do?
- Charlie Harper: Yep. Do you carry Chanel #666?
- Alan Harper: You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?
- Charlie Harper: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
- Alan Harper: Typical! Nothing for Alan to do.
- Charlie Harper: [pretending to be irritated] Okaaay. You can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
- Alan Harper: Thank you!