Steve Carell credited as playing...
Michael Scott
- [Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]
- Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
- Dwight Schrute: Michael, what's wrong?
- Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
- Dwight Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?
- Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
- Dwight Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
- Michael Scott: Yes.
- Michael Scott: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
- Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
- Michael Scott: No. No, it's sedentary.
- Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
- Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
- Lonny: Yeah?
- Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
- Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
- Kelly Kapoor: Ryan!
- Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
- Kelly Kapoor: What?
- Ryan Howard: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
- Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?
- Darryl Philbin: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
- [cut to Michael]
- Michael Scott: [laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?
- Darryl Philbin: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
- Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
- Darryl Philbin: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.
- Michael Scott: [after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
- Dwight Schrute: Okay.
- Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
- Darryl Philbin: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
- Michael Scott: Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
- Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.
- Michael Scott: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
- Darryl Philbin: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
- Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
- Michael Scott: [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
- Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God, what are we going to *do*?
- Michael Scott: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?
- Michael Scott: [simultaneously] Depression.
- Dwight Schrute: [simultaneously] Wolves.
- Michael Scott: [pause] Depression.
- Dwight Schrute: Visual aids?
- Michael Scott: Yes.
- Dwight Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt?
- Michael Scott: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." This is one example.
- Michael Scott: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.