Zac Efron credited as playing...
Mike O'Donnell
- Mike O' Donnell: Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.
- [pretending to read a letter to Scarlet in divorce court]
- Mike O' Donnell: When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.
- [Talking to Maggie on the bleachers]
- Stan: [Mike tries to stand up to Stan's bullying for Alex] Give me my ball back bitch.
- Mike O' Donnell: You know Stan I feel sorry for you.
- Stan: You don't know me.
- Mike O' Donnell: Oh, but I do all too well. You're the man. Captain of the basketball team, dates the pretty girls, high school is your kingdom. But people, Stan is a bully. Why? It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. No... no... Stan here is much more complex than that. See, according to leading psychiatrists, Stan is a bully for one of three reasons...
- Mike O' Donnell: [while playing with Stan's basketball] One... underneath all that male bravado, there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. Two... like a caveman, Stan's brain is underdeveloped. Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. And so he acts out aggressively. Three... Stan has a small wiener. Don't hurt yourself, big boy.
- [from trailer]
- Ned Freedman: What are you eating?
- Mike O' Donnell: I don't even know, all I know is that I'm hungry...
- [squrits Cheez-Whiz into his mouth]
- Mike O' Donnell: ... *all* the time.
- Mike O' Donnell: [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?
- Lauren: Don't respect me.
- Samantha: No! Don't respect *me*.
- Jaime: You don't even have to remember my name!
- Lauren: [In shock] Okay, wow.
- Samantha: Yeah, that's like, *really* slutty.
- Mike O' Donnell: [after being transformed] Come on, man! Don't you ever wanna go back and do high school again?
- Ned Freedman: No. I'm rich and no one has shoved my head in a toilet today!
- Alex O'Donnell: [after watching Mike dance with Scarlet] Do you dance with all your friends' moms?
- Mike O' Donnell: [Walking away casually] Pretty much...
- Ned Freedman: It's a classic transformation story. Are you now or have you ever been a Norse God, Vampire, or Time Traveling Cyborg?
- Mike O' Donnell: I have know you since what, first grade? I think that maybe I would have told you!
- Ned Freedman: Vampire wouldn't tell, Cyborg wouldn't know.
- Alex O'Donnell: [In the school restroom] Uh... can I get a little help in here?
- Mike O' Donnell: Alex? How did this? Who did this to you?
- Alex O'Donnell: The basketball team.
- Mike O' Donnell: But why? You're one of them, you're popular
- Alex O'Donnell: Look this is kinda personal and I don't know you.
- Mike O' Donnell: I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, your uncle Ned's kid. I just started here.
- Alex O'Donnell: Oh... cool... cool. Yeah, I'd shake your hand, but it's taped to my ass.
- Mike O' Donnell: [meets Scarlett's date] Carnations? What a douche!
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Mark!
- Dean: That's okay, I'm a single dad. It's totally normal for son's to feel weird with their mom's date. Stepping in their dad's shoes protecting their castle.
- Scarlett O'Donnell: He's not my son.
- Dean: Oh, then that's weird.
- Scarlett O'Donnell: It is.
- Mike O' Donnell: I had the craziest dream. I was 17. I was back in high school. It was terrible. Mmmm. Scar.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Scar? I don't see a scar. Look i know why you didn't want me to be with Stan. It's because you wanted me.
- [Mike bolts straight up and falls to the floor]
- Maggie O'Donnell: .
- Maggie O'Donnell: Oh! You wanna play games? I can play games.
- Mike O' Donnell: Nononononono...
- Maggie O'Donnell: I'm a hungry lioness, and your a baby gizell
- Mike O' Donnell: [Mike gets chased around the room by Maggie] MaggieMaggieMaggieMaggie... nononononononono...
- Mike O' Donnell: If you only knew how inappropriate and disfunctional this is. Stop it okay.
- Mike O' Donnell: Maggie, I'm not the person. I'm not the person that you think I am.
- Maggie O'Donnell: You're right. You're not. You're good. You're not like the others.
- Mike O' Donnell: [Starting to hyperventilate] Not like the others. I'm very, very different. So different in fact that you and I could never, never ever ever be together. Stop Maggie.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Oh! Oh my god. What? What are you saying? Are you confused?
- Mike O' Donnell: I'm very confused. Yes, I'm extremely confused.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Oh my god, I... I... I get it now. Your hair is always perfectly quaffed and you have highlighs.
- Mike O' Donnell: What are you talking about?
- Maggie O'Donnell: I mean, dude your jeans are *really* tight.
- Mike O' Donnell: I'm not *gay*. I'm in love, Maggie. I'm... I'm in love. I've been in love with the same girl since i was 17, Maggie.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Does she go to our school?
- Mike O' Donnell: ...No...
- Mike O' Donnell: Do I know her?
- Mike O' Donnell: ...No...
- Maggie O'Donnell: Tell me her name
- Mike O' Donnell: No, Maggie, No.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Okay, but you tell your girlfriend to keep a close eye on you.
- Mike O' Donnell: Sweet baby Jesus.
- Maggie O'Donnell: You're different then the other guys!
- Mike O' Donnell: [hyperventilating] Yes, yes, very very different! So different that we could never ever ever be togother!
- Maggie O'Donnell: [sits down] Oh, are you confused?
- Mike O' Donnell: Well... yes I am very confused right now!
- Maggie O'Donnell: Oh, I get it. I should have known I mean your hair is always so sculpted and dude, your pants are really tight!
- Mike O' Donnell: ...I'm not gay!
- Ned Freedman: You look like a douche.
- Mike O'Donnell: I do not look like a *douche*.
- Guy from School: [in background referring to Mike O'Donnell] What a douche.
- Ned Gold: [looks at mike's clothes] What are you wearing?
- Mike O' Donnell: This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken
- Ned Gold: Leave him out of this.
- Mrs. Dell: Okay, today we will be continuing our discussion with human sexuality and us we discussed the official school policy "abstinence".
- Mike O' Donnell: Now that is very sensible! I'm glad some here has there head screwed on straight! I think all of us should make a pact to abstain from sex! now who's with me? You guys come on.
- [the whole class laughs]
- Mike O' Donnell: Maggie?
- Mike O' Donnell: [When Ned finds young Mike in his house, and thinking its an intruder they end up fighting with light sabers] . It's me, Mike O'Donnell, your best friend.
- Mike O' Donnell: [Trying to prove that It's him] . You have an undescended testicle.
- Ned Freedman: Googlable.
- Mike O' Donnell: You helped me cheat on a math test, but I got caught.
- Ned Freedman: Public records.
- Mike O' Donnell: You asked Princess Leia to Junior Prom.
- Ned Freedman: Covered by the local news.
- Mike O' Donnell: Alex, what happened at the tryouts? How did it go?
- Alex O'Donnell: It was good, Mark had a great tryout he played great.
- Mike O' Donnell: Yeah.
- Alex O'Donnell: And so did I, I made the team!
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Oh, that's great I'm so proud of you!
- [hugs Alex]
- Mike O' Donnell: [joins them] You looked great out there.
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Oh Mark that's super inappropriate.
- Mike O' Donnell: [after Alex sees his mom, Scarlett and "Mark"/Mike dancing] She's just nervous... it's creepy, right?
- Alex O'Donnell: [stares at him, still weirded out] A little bit.
- Mike O' Donnell: She's so old; it's like...
- [stops himself and immediately walks away]
- Alex O'Donnell: You dance with all your friends' moms?
- Mike O' Donnell: Pretty much.
- Mike O' Donnell: There's no path, Ned! There's no path. I can't do it! I just made it worse for them. My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned. It's time to move on...