Sarah Chalke credited as playing...
Dr. Elliot Reid
- Private Brian Dancer: Can you sign this picture? I promise I'll put it up in my barracks.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you want me to start with how I still can't walk straight and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure-pain?
- Private Brian Dancer: What?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: All your army buddies are going to see it. I assume you want it filthy.
- Private Brian Dancer: Oh no, filthy's fine.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
- [out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
- Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
- Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
- Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., drop it.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: What happened that night?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: This is how I remember it.
- [J.D.'s flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in J.D.'s high-pitched voice] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback] So, I opened the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep you're gonna be crapping out Keds for a week!". Then you said...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback, in J.D.'s mocking voice] Chill out, dawg! You know you're my boyeeeee! This ain't be what it looks like... a'ight?
- [J.D.'s flashback ends]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But it wasn't "a'ight", was it, Turk?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: This is what really happened.
- [Turk's flashback starts; as he speaks, events take place in a sort of footage]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice] Uh, I'm cold... let's take off all our clothes and get under the covers and warm up.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy say...
- Stacy Blue: [flashback, in Turk's high-pitched voice, as Turk makes a basketball spin around on his finger] Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] Then you came in and said...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flashback, in Turk's mocking voice] Ah... hey guys...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [flashback] "Calm down, J.D.: this isn't what it looks like". Then I said "All right?"
- [Turk's flashback ends]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing happened. So drop it.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No balloons! And we didn't even have a basketball!