Judy Reyes credited as playing...
Nurse Carla Espinosa
- Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house.
- [Dr. Cox begins walking through the room]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
- Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane
- The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
- [Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Aren't ya?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern.
- Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey.
- Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack.
- Ted Buckland: I am?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted.
- Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
- Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...
- [makes the notion of sipping tea]
- Dr. Perry Cox: -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke?
- Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes.
- Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded!
- Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww
- [looks at is blue hand on his head]
- Ted Buckland: AWWWWWWWWW!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
- [out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
- Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
- Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
- Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.