Steve Schirripa credited as playing...
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri
- [playing Monopoly]
- Janice Soprano: [reading card aloud] "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." Go ahead, make your stupid joke.
- Tony Soprano: I got nothing to say.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Think I'll buy a railroad.
- Tony Soprano: A German shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Oh! You're talkin' about my wife.
- Tony Soprano: You married her.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: It's my home. No more talkin' like that.
- Janice Soprano: It's OK, Bobby.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.
- Tony Soprano: Alright, you know, Jan, he's right. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I apologize. Won't happen again.
- Tony Soprano: [quietly begins singing "Under the Boardwalk"] Under the Boardwalk. With a schlong in Jan's mouth. Under the...
- [Bobby punches Tony in the face. The two have a fistfight]
- Tony Soprano: My estimate, historically? Eighty percent of the time it ends up in the can like Johnny Sack. Or on the embalming table at Cozzarelli's.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Don't even say it.
- Tony Soprano: No risk, no reward.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I mean, our line of work, it's always out there. You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right?
- Tony Soprano: Ask your friend there on the wall.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [laughs] Listen to us. Morbid fucks.
- Tony Soprano: You know, come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Nah.
- Tony Soprano: Your old man was the fuckin' Terminator.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I come close. I done other shit but... no.
- Tony Soprano: A salut. A big fat pain in the balls.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Especially now with DNA evidence. My pop never wanted it for me. Said there were times, with all the worry, that he wished he coulda just stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
- Tony Soprano: To be honest, I'd rather he fuckin' shot me than cut my hair.
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [laughs]
- Janice Soprano: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?
- Tony Soprano: That's enough Janice!
- Janice Soprano: [laughing] Mom's hair!
- Tony Soprano: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!
- Carmela Soprano: What? Oh my God! What?
- Janice Soprano: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?
- Tony Soprano: Your ass!
- Janice Soprano: That's how we heard the story through her...
- [remembering]
- Janice Soprano: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!
- Carmela Soprano: Oh my God!
- Janice Soprano: BOOM!
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Holy shit!
- [Tony looks embarrassed]
- Janice Soprano: Fuckin' blew right through her beehive hairdo!
- [Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]
- Carmela Soprano: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!
- Janice Soprano: Yeah! What's the big deal!
- Tony Soprano: 'Cause it makes us look like a fuckin' dysfunctional family!
- [cursing]
- Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ!
- Janice Soprano: My turn!
- Tony Soprano: [to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!
- Carmela Soprano: Of course not!
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: My pop bought this place 'cause it was close to Canada. He had ties to Montreal. You know, Tone. And his father, my grandpop, come into the country originally through Montreal illegally.
- Carmela Soprano: No kidding. He wasn't Ellis Island, your grandfather?
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Nah. Got mixed up in some shenanigans on the other side. Anti-government or somethin'. Had a police record... They oughta build a wall now though. I'm tellin' ya.
- [everyone nods]
- Carmela Soprano: Amen.
- French Canadian Man #2: [first referring to the medication to treat HIV] you've got a bit of success with "BikTarv", right? Well, at this moment we could also sell to you "Fosamax" medication for Osteoporosis for women in their bones. Now, one month's supply of Fosamax four pills, sells for seventy US dollars from the pharmacy: we sell four pills to you for ten US dollars
- Tony Soprano: their counterfeit?
- French Canadian Man #1: no, their true, just expired: change the date, nobody knows
- Tony Soprano: [after looking at the medical booklet they gave him] how many Fosamax can you get?
- French Canadian Man #2: fifty thousand pills every three months
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: is there some way we can get you to lower your price?
- French Canadian Man #1: you're already making a big profit, that's a good deal and we'll give you the first pills in one week: Monday
- Tony Soprano: [after the French-Canadian men speak to each other in their native language] what?
- French Canadian Man #2: I cannot come the week next because my sister has problems in the court
- Tony Soprano: you got a good lawyer? It makes all the difference
- French Canadian Man #1: the old husband, they want to take the child they have together to Winnipeg because he's some drummer over there, you believe this?
- French Canadian Man #2: she never sees her son
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: separate a child from his mother? What kind of person does this?
- French Canadian Man #2: I would give anything to be free of this shit: to have him gone from her life
- Tony Soprano: that's very tough talk
- French Canadian Man #2: I'm very serious
- Tony Soprano: [after thinking it over] I'll tell you what, you knock your price down to thirty-five grand and we'll see what we can do about making your sister's custody problem "go away" and I'm not talking about a lawyer either
- French Canadian Man #1: who does this, you pay some drug addict?
- Tony Soprano: no, somebody reliable
- Tony Soprano: [to Bobby after the French-Canadian men leave to talk privately] you'll take care of this, right?
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: sure
- Tony Soprano: no bow and arrows now
- Tony Soprano: [referring to Christopher] Somebody I've been bringing along to "insulate" myself from the "stuff" that can bring down a boss, take care of Carmela too, in case... God forbid. Now between me and this person, there's a "diversion of agendas"
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I'm sorry hear it
- Tony Soprano: it happens: the "thing" is the Newark facilities manager: his gonna "fix it" so we do all the window replacements in the projects. I was thinking maybe you should work that?
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I'm honored just to be considered
- Tony Soprano: then we'll see what happens after that: long term