Alex Borstein credited as playing...
Lois Griffin • Asian Hooker • Sandra Bullock
- Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
- Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
- Ship's Captain: You're disgusting.
- Peter Griffin: And you're misleading!
- Peter Griffin: Boy, this is, romantic, isn't it, Lois?
- Lois Griffin: Oh, it sure is, sweetie. Oh, I feel like that fat-ass British girl from "Titanic".
- Peter Griffin: What girl?
- Lois Griffin: The lead in "Titanic". The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
- Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
- Lois Griffin: What? No, it wasn't!
- Peter Griffin: [condescendingly] Yes it was, honey.
- [taps her on the nose as though she were a child]
- Peter Griffin: It was *Philip* *Seymour* *Hoffman*.
- [chuckles]
- Peter Griffin: Look at you, out here on a big trip.
- Stewie Griffin: Hello, Mother.
- Lois Griffin: Stewie? What the hell are you... how did you get here?
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, there's a very simple answer to that: you drove me here, Lois... with all the indignities I've been forced to suffer day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny!
- [pulls out a submachine gun and aims it at her]
- Lois Griffin: What are you... wha-what are you doing with a gun?
- Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago...
- [he shoots her]
- Peter Griffin: Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!
- Peter Griffin: Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic about the early years of our marriage.
- Lois Griffin: You've totally ruined this trip for me! I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, the Captain's the one who should be embarrassed. His story was gay.
- Lois Griffin: [fuming] YOU'RE gay!
- [she storms off]
- Peter Griffin: Pleasuring a man with a socked foot one time does not make a person gay!
- [Peter and Lois are having dinner with a sea Captain]
- Captain #2: ... And that was the first time I saw the Northern Lights at their peak. And as I gazed, astonished at their lustrous brilliance, I turned to my first mate and I said, "We are looking into the very eyes of God."
- Lois Griffin: Oh, what a wonderful story.
- Peter Griffin: Alright, I got one for ya. So, me and Lois are driving up to Vermont to get this abortion...
- Lois Griffin: [mortified] Peter!
- Peter Griffin: [cutting her off] Just hang on, hang on, Lois - don't ruin it. Alright, so we're driving up to get this abortion, and we get to the abortion clinic... and the abortionist has one hand! The abortionist has one hand. Missing hand on the abortionist! And we're there to get an abortion.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, for God's...
- Peter Griffin: [cutting her off again] Bahbahbahbahbahbah-I'll tell it, I'll tell it. So I turned to Lois and I says, "You want to get an abortion here? You want to get an abortion with the abortionist having a stump hand?" And she says, "An abortion here? Are you kidding me? The abortionist's got one hand. How do you abort with one hand?" And I says, "That's what I just said. The abortionist has one hand. We can't get an abortion here." So we turned around and went home, and two-and-a-half months later, our daughter Meg was born.
- [the Captain and his entourage stare at him in shock]