Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Stan Smith • Roger the Alien • Greg Corbin • Alan Greenspan
- Steve Smith: [Steve and Hayley call Roger out on his identity fraud] Roger, we can't keep doing this.
- Hayley Smith: Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.
- Roger: Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
- Ethicist: I'm an ethicist.
- Roger: Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!
- Timmy: [about Roger] There he is, Mommy! The monster!
- Timmy's mom: Timmy, it's not nice to point.
- Timmy: But he doesn't have a nose.
- Timmy's mom: He can't help it if he's deformed.
- Roger: Deformed? I'm just as God made me, madam!
- Hayley Smith: Hey, Roger, we have something that might cheer you up.
- Roger: Don't look at me. I'm hideous! I'm a hideous monster.
- Steve Smith: Not anymore.
- Roger: Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?
- Steve Smith: They're latex copies of actual celebrities noses.
- Roger: [gasps] Just like porn stars do with their genitals.
- Stan Smith: Francine was dangerously close to saying the four words I never ever want to hear from her again: "I told you so."
- Stan Smith: I cannot hear those words again and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her from saying them. As God as my witness!
- [lightning strikes]
- Klaus: Weird. Not a cloud in the sky.
- Stan Smith: Yeah, I know. Must be heat lightning.
- Stan Smith: Francine and I are going to have the maritals. I just hope I don't pre-marital in the car on the way home.
- Stan Smith: Look, Francine. Your friendship is dead and buried, buried behind the Olive Garden. The one in Richmond.
- Francine Smith: I'm worried about Melinda. I went by her apartment to apologize and she wasn't there.
- Stan Smith: How odd.
- Francine Smith: I don't think she ever made it home.
- Stan Smith: H-h-how, how can you be sure?
- Francine Smith: There was a Thai menu hanging from her doorknob which doesn't add up because she loves Thai food and she hates doorknob clutter.
- Roger: It's time for me to cut loose. Footloose! So why don't you two get lost before I kick my Sunday shoe up your ass?
- Francine Smith: [to Stan] You made me think I was a murderer? Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through? I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain that to Jesus?
- Stan Smith: I'm... I'm sorry.
- Francine Smith: You're sorry? Do you know what super diarrhea is, Stan? Do you know how much you've screwed up my life?
- Stan Smith: Francine, I know I've done some terrible things, but I'll fix it. I'll fix everything, I swear.
- Francine Smith: What about Sanjit? I don't want an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!