Matt Stone credited as playing...
Kyle Broflovski • Thomas • Man in Shop • Butters • Craig • Gerald Broflovski • TV Announcer #2 • Paedophile #4 • Paedophile #6
- Thomas: Shit! Dumb shit!
- Thomas' Mother: Alright, Thomas, maybe we should go?
- Thomas: Alright, Mom. Bitch! Ass! Bitch!
- Thomas' Mother: Here, let's buy you a nice toy to take home.
- Cartman: Dude, that mom is coool.
- Cartman: Good morning, Principal Victoria. Shit balls!
- Principal Victoria: Good morning, Eric.
- Kyle: Did Cartman just say "Shit balls" to the principal?
- Butters: You didn't hear? Well, Cartman has some mental disease called Tourette's syndrome or something.
- Kyle: What?
- Craig Tucker: He's the luckiest kid in the world. If I could say "Shit balls" to the principal, I'd be so happy.
- Kyle: Will you knock it off already?
- Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike!
- Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
- Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, watch your language!
- [Cartman laughs]
- Craig Tucker: If I could call Chris Hansen an asshole-licking dick fart to his face, I would be so happy.
- [Cartman makes himself a drink, adult-style: He has two liquor bottles, a bucket of ice, and two wine glasses. He serves himself some ice. A few seconds later, Kyle enters his room and slams the door shut]
- Cartman: Hello, Kyle. Dickhead!
- Kyle: What's this about you going on live television on Saturday?
- Cartman: [serves himself some liquid] Yes. It's all finally come to fruition.
- [gently swirls the ice around]
- Cartman: The final cog in my... master plan.
- [turns around to face Kyle]
- Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say... horrible things on the air.
- [turns back and prepares a drink for Kyle]
- Cartman: Despicable things. And people will call me brave.
- Kyle: Cartman, there are people in the world who really have Tourette's Syndrome. This isn't funny!
- Cartman: [takes the drink to Kyle] Not funny? I have free rein to say anything I want and you get into trouble if you try and stop me. Care for a Scotch?
- Kyle: ...Scotch?
- Cartman: [quickly gives him the drink in triumph] Kyle I've won! No matter how you look at it! I've managed not only to get away with saying whatever I want at school, on the bus, at the dinner table, but this Saturday I will actually say anything I want... on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.
- Kyle: You are not going to go on national television and spew a bunch of hate speech about Jewish people! I won't let you do it, Cartman!
- Cartman: Then the game is on, Kyle.
- Kyle: It's not a game, you derelict! And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice!
- [Cartman looks at his drink]
- Cartman: [walks back to make another "Scotch"] Do you have any idea how liberating it is to say whatever comes to mind? "Big titties! Buttmunch!" There's no walls anymore! "Shit!" Whatever enters my brain I can just say without thinking about it. "I wet my bed last night."
- [realizes what just happened]
- Kyle: What did you say?
- Cartman: Uhh nuh-nothing...
- Kyle: You aren't gonna get away with this you stupid asshole!
- [runs out of the room and slams the door]