Actium Maximus

I haven't commented on this site in a while but I just had to when I saw all the negativity aimed at this great film. I'm not going to pretend that this film is "good" in a conventional sense. And it takes a very, very small and very particular percentage of the world to truly appreciate what's going on here. I used to seek out "so-bad-they're-good" films when I was younger but I kept seeing films that were INTENTIONALLY bad, and that just didn't cut it for me. What makes this film so great is that it's all so SERIOUS! And, in all seriousness, you can tell that the director put a lot of effort, time, and money into this. It is very cheaply-made, but it still does actually have plenty of special effects and decently-constructed monsters. This film was actually filmed as a pilot to a TV series that never got made, and actually this film was incomplete as well, so the fact that this actually got released in the first place is quite remarkable, but I'm glad it did. And it is REALLY hilarious and entertaining from beginning to end, despite what other people on here might tell you. It's not conventionally "GOOD", and its not recommended unless you like this crap -- but for fans of the worst acting and special effects ever, this is gold. Let me repeat: You have never seen special effects this bad, a plot more nonsensical, a film more horrible (though well-intentioned). In my eyes, that makes it extremely special.

Star Worms II sucks, by the way.

Actium Maximus War of the Alien Dinosaurs might be one of the most overly ambitious motion picture projects of all time. I'm not exactly sure what the plot was or what the vast majority of the dialogue was about but I did somehow manage to sit through the film in its entirety. The green screen special effects were horrendously executed to the point where it's hard to tell what you're even looking at. The same can be said about the puppets and miniatures. The silver lining of course is the original soundtrack that was also written by the director Mark Hicks. If you're someone like myself that has a high tolerance for bad movies then Actium Maximus is surely worth a watch if you want to test that tolerance on a level you may not have thought existed.

Let's talk about bad movies for a moment. A bad movie tends to fall in one of two categories. The first being that it has some redeeming quality. Maybe it's funny in spite of itself, maybe it becomes a guilty pleasure. The other category is one that is so abysmally bad that it can only be enjoyed with friends over beer and pizza, laughing and making MST3K-esque comments throughout the film. The later was our intention when deciding to watch Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs.

This movie was far beyond bad. It belongs in a category all by itself (and then that category needs to be shot into outer space). In fact, ten minutes into this film we could no longer make fun of it. It became physically painful to watch, and may have caused permanent psychological damage. I would not have been surprised, once the movie was over, if my phone would have rung and the voice on the other end informed me I would die in 7 days.

It is unclear what writer, director, composer and star Mark Hicks was shooting for, but what is clear is he was clearly not taking his medication. You would think a movie, containing both a narrator and subtitles would make the plot easier to understand. Not so. The narrator speaks as distinctly as the Daleks from Dr. Who. The subtitles, often paragraph long and displayed for only 3 seconds, was certainly in need of a spell checker.

I'm no expert, but if I was to venture a guess, Mark invested his life savings into this film, all $140.00, and $25 of that was spent on Chinese food while editing. There were very few humans in this film. Mark Hicks plays Jacinlun Axezun (say that fast 5 times), a character similar to Han Solo. That is if Han was an overweight, monotone, lifeless dullard with all the bravado and sex appeal of a substitute chemistry teacher on anti-depressants. The arch-villain of this film is Grand Automaton Polpox (sounds like a disease) wonderfully played by a box with a blue knob.

In order to divert the masses from his genocidal plans to exterminate the Rebel Laffrodites (I seriously am not making these names up)he holds these grand exhibitions pitting alien dinosaurs in mortal combat. Get ready, some serious blue-screen work here. I guess Phil Tippit was booked, because these dinosaurs were crafted from sock puppets, coated in play-doh, bacon and corn syrup.

Every good director knows to have an establishing shot, especially when moving from one location to another. Mark doesn't disappoint here, as he creates an establishing shot of the exterior of the city which was actually the surface of a water-less aquarium.

Sounds good so far right?

So while Mark and his crew (consisting of some woman who may or may not of had dialogue, as she apparently didn't have a microphone) Polpox's right hand man, played by a stalagmite, warns him of an assassination plot against him. The assassin, as it turns out, is a moth. Go figure.

The subtitle, "War of the Alien Dinosaurs" is also confusing. To be defined as "alien", it must come from an alien world. That's fine, as Polpox gathers dinosaurs from other planets. But dinosaurs? Unless he has a time machine, these beasts would just be indigenous animals. Or are the indigenous animals once prehistoric animals from the homeworld that somehow migrated across space. But, considering that these dinosaurs are made out of sock puppets, play-doh, bacon and corn syrup, I suppose it doesn't warrant much thought.

The one saving grace this film offers is intellectual higher ground. What that means is, if someone is engaged in a conversation and utters the phrase "(insert name here) is the worst movie ever", take comfort in knowing they're wrong.

As for me, if I was the sole survivor of a global holocaust, and this was the only DVD left on Earth, believe me when I say I would glee-fully coat my eyes with honey and face-plant into a pile of dirt covered in fire ants.

Exclelent movie because i could not understand it's complex themes and overarcin g plots with good characters my favorite is gurgling sock puppoet and how he carried the movie with spectacualer performance by john anyway i thought the spescial affects were pretty alright however i did not appreciate how the dinosaurs weer always chewing gum :( not good for the teeth and could send a bad message to yte youth, overall this movie was pretty okay, i cannot wait nfor the sequel

cheers :)

First of all, I almost fell asleep during the extremely long opening credits. That's always a bad sign. Anyway, this movie has tons of back story. Told mostly through a narrator and subtitles. I didn't time it but back story had to be more than half of the dialogue. The majority of the dialogue is subtitled alien babble. It's almost always unnecessary and they frequently repeat themselves. The planet is full of aliens who all look completely different and one man who is always mad that he has to do everything. The dinosaur battles take place in a huge stadium in front of 6 people who can't even fake enthusiasm, probably because the battles are extremely boring and nothing ever happens. Did I mention that this movie has the worst monsters and green screen action ever? Never see this.