Dane Cook credited as playing...
Tank
- Tank: You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks.
- Tank: I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day.
- Tank: Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair.
- Dustin: You need to get her back.
- Tank: But I don't deserve her.
- Dustin: No, you do. Tank, if you were willing to give her up, trust me, you deserve her.
- Tank: That's fucked up. You're right. She's my angel and it's time she knew.
- Dustin: Yes. So what's stopping you?
- Tank: I propositioned her mother for a blow job.
- Heavily Pierced Kid: Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?
- Tank: How is the Pizza of Nazareth?
- Heavily Pierced Kid: People worship it.
- Hilary: I am deeply offended.
- Tank: I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.
- Tank: How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor.
- Tank: If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody fucking masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind FUCK of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks
- [makes whimpering noise]
- Tank: . Ok? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it!
- Tank: Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my fuckin' mouth.
- Ami: Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go.
- Tank: Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. Fuckin' goddamn what do ya call that shit AJ?
- AJ: Afghani kush krytonite.
- Tank: Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man.
- Ami: You really are like a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?
- Rachel: Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important.
- Tank: Woah, woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister air filtration systems. That is important work because without air, we cannot live.