The Hive

I don't know why I keep attempting to watch a film made by the Sci-Fi network. Somehow, I think that just maybe this one will be decent. But, as usual, it sucks! When will I learn? You can bet that when you hear the announcement, "An original Sci-Fi film" it will be the usual lame story line. Some painfully bad CGI creation of a killer creature (super sized snakes and reptiles seem to be the favorites) attacking a group isolated, stranded idiots. And when I say "painfully bad CGI", it truly is painful to watch. ("I confess, just turn the channel!") I've seen better effects from the original Nintendo games! What I find even sadder is that some of the stars who sign up for these catastrophes are ones that "I thought" were on the fast track to great careers. Actors like, Stephen Baldwin, Michael Pare, Casper Van Dien & Dean Cane to name a few seem to keep reappearing in these features. I like to think that maybe they new managers or that there is just no quality work going on.

But, you can always count on the Sci-Fi channel to be in production of another low budget cookie cutter flick. I guess you gotta take what work you can get. Unfortunately, I believe that starring in these films is just going to keep you starring in these films. So you can kiss the Oscar goodbye!!!! "The Night of the Lepus", now there's a good cheesy I could enjoy over and over again. And that starred Janet Leigh, Deforest Kelly and Stuart Whitman.....what bet did they lose?

The acting seemed okay as in I could believe they believed what they where saying. Often though what they said demonstrated a complete lack of basic science or what they had just said a few lines ago. Some kind of science adviser, even a kindergarten one, would have done wonders for the movie. Energy weapon versus chemical weapon, Endoskeleton versus exoskeleton, what a biological computer might look like and what it definitely would not look like. Keep in mind most of these guys are supposed to be highly educated. The Professor's role seemed contrary at every turn. He taught these people but can't seemed to address a simply first aide problem...? Really? I don't really understand what they were trying to do with the end though I would love to meet the writer just to find out how things could have gone so wrong. I think they were just going for "let's see how much we can cram in this!" The suits and guns were kinda cool. This goes in the category of if I could watch it again for the first time I probably would but would never watch it after that.

The acting in this movie is mostly indifferent. Is this sci-fi? They have to be kidding (ants that crawl fast enough to catch running humans, and even give an SUV a run for its money)! Couple this pretty lame plot with some of the worst camera-work ever to be seen on TV or in the cinema, and you have the movie in a nutshell. Ultra close ups to the point where you can't work out what's going on (though you can see every blemish in the actors skin), wobbly cameras, to name but a few. The CGI ants are below average, and the final dénouement about the cause of everything just leaps from the improbable to the downright silly. Monty Python would have been proud of the ending! Give this a miss! Two stars (just because Elizabeth Healey is pretty).

After watching a movie, I always like to take a moment to contemplate about what I've learned from my viewing. "The Hive" taught me that if ants would ever grow self-aware of their capacities and become more organized, the human race wouldn't stand a chance for survival. That is of course the case for every insect species on this planet, if you think about it. Well, except maybe for ladybugs, because what are they going to do? Cute us to death? "The Hive" is an almost entirely computer engineered and made-for-TV creature feature about killer ants, so you know to keep your expectations rather low. On a slightly more positive note, the plot here is most similar to the underrated 70's Sci-Fi/horror gem "Phase IV", and that just happens to be the best killer ant movie ever accomplished. That particular gem also presented the hypothesis that ants, suddenly and without apparent reason, began to control and develop their intelligence with disastrous consequences for mankind. In sheer contrast to "Phase IV", however, "The Hive" lacks any sense of subtlety and plausibility. There were the 70's movie was thought-provoking and genuinely disturbing, the development of the ants in this movie is just ludicrous and exaggeratedly blown out of proportions. Set in rural Thailand, an entire region is suddenly overrun by an enormous and aggressive colony of millions and millions of ants – even different subspecies are combining their forces – that in a very short time span devour harvests, cattle and even poor villagers. The ants structure their mobility, plan their attacks, learn to set death traps and even send a spy into the brain of a hired exterminator. Later on, they even build some sort of central computer entirely out of ants and generate their own electricity. How brilliant is that? The government hires the world famous Thorax extermination team. They wear cool outfits, drive in macho hummers and use highly advanced bazookas that disintegrate a couple of hundred ants at once. This still isn't efficient enough, though, so the team leader has to go to the ants' headquarters in an island cave and "negotiate" with them. Yes, that's exactly how retarded this movie is. But hey, no further complaints from my side regarding the film's entertainment factor. Any dumb horror movie that opens with a sequence in which a mother and her three-month old infant are savagely eaten by insects is guaranteed to enjoy my full attention. "The Hive" suffers from too many boring sequences and an overload of wannabe intellectual dialogs, but the ants attacks are campy good fun. Additional warning: don't sit around and wait to see the seemingly cute girl with the impressive rack that is illustrated on the DVD cover. She doesn't appear and the film and, in fact, it doesn't contain any sleaze or nudity whatsoever. Bummer!

Hive, The (2008)

* (out of 4)

Extremely bad "nature" flick about two-hundred million (give or take a couple) ants that are ravaging through South Asia. The critters are eating countless people until a controversial extermination group comes in but soon they begin to think they're dealing with something much larger. I'll never claim to be any type of expert but I'm pretty sure the title, THE HIVE, is incorrect as ants live in colonies so I'm not sure what's up with the title or anything else that happens in this movie. I'm really not sure where to start on this one but I guess we can start with the actual story. Sure, I guess we could make a movie about millions of ants eating people but this film takes it a step further. Early in the film one of the workers has an ant crawl into his ear and to his brain. Soon this ant is "controlling" the man to do what the ants want but it doesn't stop here because it turns out that aliens are the ones doing all of this stuff. The story is just downright stupid but just when you think it can't get any worse it actually does. I think another major issue is the CGI, which is really bad. The effects are so obviously fake that you can never take anything serious and not for a single second will you actually think or feel as if you're watching all of these ants. What's worse is that at the end of the film the ants are teaming together and creating various things including an arm that can come down and pick someone up. Yes, more dumbness. The performances in the film are pretty much what you'd expect from a film like this and there's no question that the screenplay does none of them any justice. I think the biggest problem is that the film is simply boring. As wild, stupid and crazy as this thing is you'd think that it would at least be entertaining in a bad way but it isn't.