Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre

What a poster! What a title! What a stinking piece of arctic garbage! Simple enough story. Group of unrelated people set off on a whale watching expedition. Something goes awry. Bad family of crazies show up. Tourists think they're being rescued. People start dying. Try to survive. There ya go.

What a stinking horrible summary that was, huh!? And I could give a crap! This flick in no way deserves my cognitive efforts, and if you think you're gonna read a review that cares...get ready for a supriseis!!1

I really don't even know where to start. I suppose starting with the good is the best case here...since anything positive was entirely slim-pickings. The make-up and blood effects were impressive. The ending was grim. That's it.

The bad...which I forbid to dwell upon, encompassed everything else. The acting was amateur, the writing awful, the use of a Bjork song was appalling, the characters were annoying, and the direction....A word...A word...A word......atrocious. Yes! And the entire movie itself....abysmal! Look at me go, Ma!! To be fair to the entire crew and what not, the productions were indeed slick, but when it came down to telling a solid horror story, it not only dropped the ball, it dropped the ball from the top of the Empire State Building into a pile of steaming Orca excrement. Don't let the positive reviews fool you, or the useful/not useful voting. This movie sucks my ass!

Around twenty minutes into this movie I started to wonder if "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre" was meant to be a dark comedy. After all, how could this be a serious horror movie when it included scenes such as a traumatised woman singing Björk's "It's Oh So Quiet" over the loudspeakers of a ship whilst a tragedy occurs on the deck? Or the moment in the movie where the scene suddenly changes to a group of people discussing their love for whales? But if it's a comedy, where are all of the scenes designed to make you laugh - or at least smile? It's almost as though the scriptwriter was as confused about the movie they were making as I was about the movie I was watching.

Obviously "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre" is a homage to the far superior "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" - the original Leatherface (Gunner Hansen) even shows up here. However, everything that "Texas" did right, "Reykjavik" does wrong and then some. The victims here are some of the most one-dimensional stereotypes you could ever assemble from the loud, drunk Frenchman to the Japanese tourists with their camera gear, and none of them are particularly sympathetic or appealing. The only exception is a young black American man (portrayed by an actor in serious need of accent training) whose sexuality prompts one of the most unrealistic dialogue exchanges i've heard (and that's before you take into account the fact that this exchange takes place whilst the two characters are running for their lives from insane whalers). I'm not even sure who was supposed to be the main character in this movie which shows how problematic the story was.

This already unsteady boat is further sunk by gaping holes in logic which will leave you scratching your head in disbelief. For example, early in the movie we're introduced to a character whose presence seems to indicate that our victims have been lured into a trap. However, their fate actually has nothing to do with him but rather an unfortunate (and highly unlikely) accident. This is indicative of the poorly written script in which strangers suddenly and inexplicably relate their life stories to one another merely for the purpose of giving the audience some back-story, or act out of character to set up a specific plot point (see the crazy sequence of events which begins with the line "Your father was a real kamikaze!" for evidence of this).

There is only one death scene that is of any interest and the villains aren't terribly memorable. Whilst it's exciting to see a slasher movie emerge from somewhere other than America, I can't recommend "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre" due to its many, many flaws. You would be advised not to waste your time and to instead watch a movie like 2006's "Severance" which manages to be both funny and frightening - two things which "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre" completely fails to be.

The best thing I can say about HARPOON is that I watched it to the end (with, I must admit, increasing use of the fast forward button) hoping that it was going to come together. It didn't.

The opening titles are shown over grainy footage of whaling boats. Then we are introduced to an assortment of irritating characters of various nationalities. They go out for a short (presumably about two hours, based on dialog muttered in passing) trip to, well, watch whales.

The captain (the great Gunnar Hansen, the only familiar name in the cast) falls victim to a, well, harpoon. Then the irritating tourists, squabbling among themselves, get on board a "rescue" ship that turns out to be manned by crazies.

This is not a case of watching untalented actors go through the motions. But the tone is so uncertain that we never become involved with these people in their struggle to survive. Is this supposed to be a comedy? If not, why does a scene in which one character's dying act is to decapitate another seem so hilarious in retrospect?

At the very beginning a title card announces that this was a product of the Icelandic Film Company, which I presume to be an entity that encourages the development of that Country's cinema industry, possibly with funding or at least tax breaks from the Icelandic government. It would have been amusing to have been present when this film's producers set up their projector in the company's board room, as in, "You spend our $4 million on THAT?"

Two positive notes about the film, though: 1. It has, oddly enough, some effective use of sound that gave my stereo speakers a chance to shine. 2. Neither the director nor screenwriter has gotten another credit on IMDb since making this turd.

By the way, HARPOON may stink in most aspects but it has a great poster.

There aren't many horror films from Iceland; however, this one is a very good start. "Harpoon" has all the great elements of a horror film, despite its less than stellar subtitle "Whale Watching Massacre." The director chose all the right performers to bring the characters to life; each actor did a great job at owning the person they were portraying; however, the director left much to be desired in the action department...and the film could've done without the few gasps of ironic comedy with the character Endo and the matriarch of the insane clan. Overall, the gore effects were good and a few surprising moments that the audience may not suspect. I really despised the ending because it disabled me from taking the film seriously overall, meaning the ending was too campy for this type of film. Kudos again to the actors who performed very well.

HARPOON: THE REYKJAVIK WHALE WATCHING MASSACRE is billed as Iceland's first horror film and their answer to THE Texas CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, with the action shifted to an inhospitable landscape and a ship. Unfortunately, it turns out to be as dull-witted and laughable as many a Hollywood slasher sequel, a film that strives to be horrific and entertaining and yet which ends up a mess.

The first half of the film sets up the cast, which is fair enough, but it doesn't help that most of the characters are intensely irritating (with the exception of the black guy and the Japanese girl). Gunnar Hansen pops up for a worthless cameo, but after that we're mired in a mess of horror film clichés and predictable death sequences. It's all badly written and quite badly directed, two things which sap enjoyment from the production.

One thing HARPOON does have going for it are some explicit gore sequences, although these aren't quite as grisly as you'd expect, with the emphasis being on the staging of each effect rather than going all-out to gross-out the viewer. But such moments aren't enough to save what is another forgettable, lamentable horror yarn.