Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

The Luminous Fish Effect

Sheldon Cooper

Sheldon: I'm not going to apologize. I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Mary: [Firmly] Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: [All but yelling] Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbor kids?
[Drops a pair of shoes down]
Mary: Now let's get crackin'! Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off!

Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."

Sheldon: [reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser] As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.

Mary: [Laying out a pair of pants] You put those on.
Sheldon: What for?
Mary: Because you're going to go down to your office, you're going to apologise to your boss and get your job back.
Sheldon: No.
Mary: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words "If it pleases your highness"?

Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mary: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
Sheldon: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!

[first lines]
Sheldon: You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

[last lines]
Mary: [tucking Sheldon into bed] I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
[she starts to leave]
Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Mm-hm?
Sheldon: Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?
Mary: We'll see. Sleep tight.

Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.

Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.

Leonard: So... fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.

Sheldon: The thing about tomatoes - and I think you'll really enjoy this - is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
Penny: Mm, interesting.
Sheldon: Isn't it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.

Penny: When one door closes another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.

Sheldon: There's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much. What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.

Sheldon: There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one-month supply at a time.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Think about it. It's a product that doesn't spoil and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
Penny: You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons?
Sheldon: Well, 30, 35... When did your mother go into menopause?
Penny: I'm not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: This is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle... Are you fairly regular?

Mary: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: [Opens Sheldon's wardrobe and starts to get his clothes out] Well, I'm done fishing.

Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.

Sheldon Cooper: Let me do the math for you. This car weighs, lest say 4000 pounds. Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny: 120?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.