Matthew Broderick credited as playing...
Cooter Burger
- Jack Donaghy: The ceiling appears to be leaking.
- Cooter Burger: No, it's not. We've looked into it and it's not.
- Jack Donaghy: Do you need a pen?
- Cooter Burger: Nope. I've kind of gotten used to it.
- Jack Donaghy: You don't have pens?
- Cooter Burger: We're not in a recession.
- Cooter Burger: Hey, we have a meeting with the appropriations committee, like, now.
- Jack Donaghy: Oh no. I'm not prepared.
- Cooter Burger: I know. I'm not drunk either, but we'll manage.
- Jack Donaghy: Whatever we come up with has gotta be wasteful, embarrassing to the administration and upsetting to the voters.
- Cooter Burger: Holy smoke!
- Jack Donaghy: What have you got?
- Cooter Burger: In 1994, the Pentagon explored the possibility of a non-lethal chemical weapon that would, quote, "reduce enemy soldiers combat posture by making them totally gaybones for each other."
- Jack Donaghy: How gay?
- Cooter Burger: It doesn't say. The project was abandoned in the planning stages.
- Jack Donaghy: Of course it was. It would've been expensive, impractical and offensive to both the red states and the gayer blue states.
- Jack Donaghy: Cooter, look at this place. This can't be what you want in life. Haven't you ever thought about leaving?
- Cooter Burger: Of course. Every day. Every day for two years. Look at these resignation letters
- [opens desk drawer, takes out a bunch of filed letters]
- Cooter Burger: They're written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water... But now you're here. You're here and everything's gonna be better. Now we've got pens. Glorious pens!