Elizabeth Banks credited as playing...
Miri
- Zack: I don't mean to alarm you, but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
- Miri: The Dutch Rudder?
- Zack: Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
- Miri: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
- Zack: Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight.
- Miri: [laughing] You fucked it?
- Zack: Yeah.
- Miri: What'd it feel like?
- Zack: Fucking a flashlight.
- Zack: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah.
- Miri: What? You got an idea?
- Zack: We could make a porno!
- Miri: Not the idea I was lookin' for.
- Zack: What? No, yeah, that is a fuckin' *awesome* idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea. That guy, Brandon St. Randy, whose Bobby Long's *awesome* nice boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.
- Miri: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?
- Zack: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!
- Zack: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?
- Miri: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it.
- Zack: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!
- Miri: Oh God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
- Zack: Hello, Miriam.
- Miri: Beat it, we're talking.
- Zack: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
- Brandon: Salutations.
- Zack: Bobby's boyfriend.
- Miri: Bobby who?
- Bobby Long: Bobby me.
- Zack: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
- Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."
- Zack: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
- Miri: Are you fucking with me?
- Zack: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other.
- Zack: [suggesting a porn title] "Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt".
- Miri: We never made "Star Sex I".
- Zack: I guess we can skip "Star Sex III: The Search for Cock", then.
- [Zack has a new idea]
- Zack: "Cocunt"!
- Miri: What's that?
- Zack: It's like "Cocoon". With a cunt!
- [Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably]
- Miri: So, I guess we should do this.
- Zack: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
- Miri: Stop it. You look good.
- Zack: Thanks.
- Miri: So... what about me? How do I look?
- Zack: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look - so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you - you look amazing.
- Miri: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!
- Zack: This is just the beginning, guys. If "Star Whores" works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. "The Empire Strikes Ass".
- Miri: "Return of the Brown Eye".
- Deacon: "The Phantom Man Ass".
- Delaney: And "Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter".
- [awkward silence]
- Zack: Okay.
- Delaney: "Revenge of the Shit", you got it?
- Miri: No, yeah we got it.
- Stacey: Ew.
- Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.
- Miri: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay?
- Bobby Long: Yeah.
- Miri: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?
- Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!
- Miri: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.
- Zack: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?
- Brandon: Oh, like crazy.
- Brandon: Oh my god. No!
- Miri: What?
- Brandon: Granny Panties?
- Miri: Excuse me?
- Brandon: This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?
- [pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."]
- Miri: [Miri gasps in horror]
- Zack: Where'd you get that?
- Brandon: Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!
- Miri: [to Bobby] You're gay?
- Bobby Long: [apologetically] Yeah...
- Miri: And I'm the internet wearing - a diaper?
- Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?
- Miri: I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.
- Miri: Who cares what the title is?
- Zack: The porn I liked when I was a kid, it was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know? Like, um, "Edward Penishands".
- Miri: Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title, that sounds like a real movie - and basically sums up what you're gonna see.
- Zack: Correct.
- Miri: "An American Werewolf in Brenda"?
- Zack: "Fuckback Mountain"?
- [Miri makes a face]
- Zack: Too soon? "A-Cock-in-Lips Now"?
- Miri: Next.
- Miri: You smell that? Is that the car? Fuck.
- Zack: Oh, goddamn it.
- Miri: What?
- Zack: Oh, no.
- Miri: What?
- Zack: Oh, it's wedged in my taint.
- Miri: What?
- Zack: It got wedged in my taint.
- Miri: What?
- Zack: It's stuck under my balls. It's between my balls and my leg.
- Miri: What's happening?
- Zack: Pull over. Please, pull over. Pull over. Pull the fuck over!
- Miri: All right, all right! Jesus, all right!
- Zack: It's about to move up to my ass!
- Miri: What?
- Zack: I'm gonna look up more fuck toys on Amazon. Oh-oh-oh, holy shit! They sell the Fleshlight here too.
- Miri: What's that?
- Zack: It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight "for discretionary jacking off." That way if you get caught, no one thinks it's weird. You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight. I am totally buying this shit.