Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Teddy Leopold: [Charlie is sitting on the deck, instead of going to Las Vegas with Teddy] This is your other plans?
- Charlie: Not all of them. Later, I'm gonna go inside and watch some girl-on-girl porn.
- Teddy Leopold: Beautiful.
- Charlie: Don't you have your own friends?
- Teddy Leopold: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
- Charlie: What's the difference?
- Teddy Leopold: The dead ones smell up my plane!
- Teddy Leopold: Do me a favour. Let's keep this between us. I want your mother to think I went on a business trip.
- Charlie: No problem. My mother still thinks I went to college.
- Teddy Leopold: Beautiful.
- Teddy Leopold: [Watching a fight together in Las Vegas] Charlie, you need anything?
- Charlie: Teddy, if I was any happier my pants would be wet!
- Alan: [Teddy asks for Charlie's and Alan's blessing to marry their mother, but Charlie doesn't approve] C'mon, Charlie! Wouldn't it be great to have a dad again?
- Charlie: I'm a grown man, Alan. I don't need a father anymore.
- Tiffany: [Approaching Teddy] Would any of you gentlemen like a date?
- Teddy Leopold: Sorry, darlin', I'm taken. But I wouldn't mind footing the bill for my two boys here.
- Amber: [to Alan] Hi, I'm Amber.
- Tiffany: [to Charlie] I'm Tiffany.
- Alan, Charlie: THANKS, DADDY!