Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Alan Harper: [taking a photo of Jake, before he gets on the school bus] Smile.
- Jake Harper: About what?
- Alan Harper: I need a current photo, in case you go missing.
- Charlie Harper: Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids!
- Charlie Harper: Hey, Berta! How have you been washing my underwear?
- Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.
- Charlie Harper: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
- Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks!
- Charlie Harper: Yeah. Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...
- Alan Harper: Excuse me! I'm sitting here, eating a breakfast sausage!
- Charlie Harper: It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.
- Alan Harper: I got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.
- Jake Harper: Oh, cool!
- Alan Harper: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
- Jake Harper: Emergencies? What emergencies?
- Charlie Harper: [Pretending to use a cell phone] Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!
- Alan Harper: That only happened once.
- Charlie Harper: If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.
- Alan Harper: Now, about race riots...
- Charlie Harper: Try not to take sides.
- Alan Harper: If anybody asks, you're mulatto.
- Charlie Harper: When the Good Lord was handing out courage, you were hiding in your locker, peeing in your gym socks.
- Alan Harper: I had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch!
- Jake Harper: I bet it's swamp ass.
- Charlie Harper: What's swamp ass?
- Berta: Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.
- Jake Harper: Man, I hate swamp ass.
- Alan Harper: You sure it's just a rash?
- Charlie Harper: What else could it be?
- Alan Harper: Well, since we're talking about your private area, it can be anything from ebola to mad cow disease.
- Alan Harper: Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
- Jake Harper: Like what?
- Alan Harper: Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
- Jake Harper: How come?
- Alan Harper: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.
- Jake Harper: Who are "they"?
- Alan Harper: The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.
- Jake Harper: [Worried look on face] Plunging my head in the toilet?
- Charlie Harper: D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan!
- [to Jake]
- Charlie Harper: It's not so much plunging as... dipping.
- Charlie Harper: [Showing his genital rash] What do you think?
- Dr. Prajneep: Well, it looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been applying anything to your genital region?
- Charlie Harper: Just the usual: waitresses and actresses.
- Charlie Harper: Gettin' hit in the face hurts, but you know what hurts more?
- Jake Harper: A kick in the crotch?
- Charlie Harper: [not the example he was going to use] Well, yeah, sure...
- Jake Harper: I took a soccer ball to the 'nads once, thought my eyes were gonna pop out.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but, but, but that, that pain passes. What hurts more, and lasts longer than anything, is the humiliation of running away.
- Jake Harper: Couldn't ride my bike for a week.
- Alan Harper: Ah, Jake, I think you're missing the point.
- Jake Harper: Makes ya wonder what they're doin' hangin' down there in the first place.