Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

Guardian Angels

Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Allison Cameron: [House is about to pay a $100 bet to Cameron] Cash will be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: I bet you say that to all the guys.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The Doctors' lounge is covered in mud.
Dr. Gregory House: Thirteen and Cut-throat Bitch had a disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of Jello.

[Dobson and Taub are fighting]
Dr. Gregory House: That is just great.
Henry Dobson: What is?
Dr. Chris Taub: Which one of us is?
Dr. Gregory House: Both of you. Together. Fighting. Passionate to prove the other one wrong. Couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
Dr. Amber Volakis: I hate Thirteen!
Dr. Gregory House: Not as productively.

Dr. Gregory House: What did the angio say?
Cole: We couldn't finish it. She started groping me.
Dr. Gregory House: You couldn't let her get to second base just to get the test done?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: I think that's third base.

Dr. Amber Volakis: It could be a tumor to the temporal lobe.
Dr. Chris Taub: Not with a normal CT scan.
Dr. Amber Volakis: You mean it appeared normal to the doc in the ER.
Dr. Gregory House: Way to get right back on that horse, Thirteen.
Thirteen: No, that was Amber.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice try, Cutthroat Bitch. That was the worst Thirteen imitation I've ever heard.

[Cole just punched House]
Dr. Amber Volakis: I know what she has!
Dr. Gregory House: You couldn't have spoken up 10 seconds ago? You could have saved me a hundred bucks.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House about Cole] Just because he's religious doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanna bet?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.
Dr. Gregory House: [pulls a dollar bill out of his desk] One hundred dollars.
[Cameron smiles at him]
Dr. Gregory House: Smart call.
[puts the money in his pocket]
Dr. Gregory House: Guy's a wuss. He's gonna be the next one on the train.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Define "kick your ass."
Dr. Gregory House: Any physical confrontation...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Or verbal?
Dr. Gregory House: Define verbal.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him.
Dr. Gregory House: You realize what you're encouraging here.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah. Someone kicking your ass.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Taub] Doctor's lounge. Let's go.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why me?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it. That would be insensitive.
Dr. Chris Taub: And you can't ask Bosley because that'd look like you only hired the non-doctor to do non-doctor stuff.
Dr. Gregory House: You keep stalling, you're still gonna clean up, but I won't let you have the mop.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy, about what he had the candidates dig up a body for] Little tiny piece of his brain. Seemed a waste. He wasn't using it anymore.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Cole] You have oatmeal on your pants.
[Cole looks at his pants and looks around; Kutner looks up]
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Do you have a camera in here?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I was guessing. He had oatmeal on his pants yesterday and the day before. Have one of your wives look after the spawn.
Cole: I'm a single dad.
Dr. Chris Taub: Where's the single mom?
Cole: I have no idea.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Cole] I have a theory. Maybe you can help me out. Black Mormon means masochist. Means kinky. I'm thinking that someone got hurt making the bastard. Am I right?
Cole: You leave my son out of this.
Dr. Gregory House: I wasn't referring to your kid's hypocrisy. I was referring to yours.

Cole: [to House] Just shut up already! We got a patient dying!
Dr. Gregory House: Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud.
[Cole punches him in the mouth]