Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow! I don't even need a reason!
- Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't fire me! She will never fire me! She needs me!
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's a good doctor. That's all I respect. His expertise and I...
- Dr. Gregory House: She's hot for me. Always...
- James: Shut up!
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well that could have been either of us.
- James: You have great ya-boos.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
- Dr. Gregory House: You lose.
- Dr. Gregory House: Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a suicide rate isn't thinking straight.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase won every one of those bets. So, either you're just really nice, or... what's your cut?
- Dr. Gregory House: 50%. How bad do you want to keep your job?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll keep my mouth shut.
- Dr. Gregory House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere!
- Dr. Gregory House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Kutner] So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
- Kutner: Thank you.
- Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, it was. The insult comes now: You're insane! You either have an aversion to towels or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym.
- Dr. Gregory House: [last lines; to Foreman] Every one of those idiots got some insight about themselves from that pig salesman. Not one of them did anything about it. People don't learn, they don't change, but you did. You're a freak.
- Taub: So... which one of us sucks the most?
- Dr. Gregory House: It's a tie.
- Dr. Amber Volakis: Between?
- Dr. Gregory House: All of you.
- Dr. Amber Volakis: We're all fired?
- Dr. Gregory House: None of you are fired.
- Dr. Gregory House: Have you guys ever heard any of my metaphors yet? Come on, sit on Grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals, immune system's the police. Seriously, Grumpy, get up here. It'll make us both happy.
- Thirteen: Nothing in the biopsy...
- Dr. Gregory House: And how is he?
- Thirteen: His fever is at 106...
- Dr. Gregory House: [Interrupting] I know, but "how is he..."? Bitter? Sexually frustrated...?
- Thirteen: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb pie, and isn't afraid to love. Also, his rash is coming back.
- Dr. Gregory House: [yelling in the clinic after Cuddy has upset him] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? Michael Moore was right. MRIs, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, uh... just, in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Get a raise? Because then, you're a whore. Or didn't you? Because then, you're a stupid whore.