Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter

The Bat Jar Conjecture

Leonard Hofstadter

Leonard: [Sheldon tries to sit on the couch] Sorry, somebody is sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: [triumphantly] My physics bowl trophy!
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore, you did not win.
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: [triumphantly louder] My physics bowl trophy!
Leonard: [trophy is "speaking"] Leonard is so smart! Sheldon who?

Leonard: Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...
Howard Wolowitz: ...outweigh the needs of the few...
Sheldon: ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.
[does Vulcan salute]

Leslie Winkle: Wait. You are going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes.
Leslie Winkle: That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard: She's in.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [after Sheldon declines to accept Dmitri the janitor's correct answer as their official answer] Therefore, your winner is...
Leonard: [Stops him] Hold on a second.
[Stands up and faces him, admonishingly]
Leonard: Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?
Sheldon: I don't understand the question.
Leonard: [Shrugs, then to Dr. Gablehauser] Alright, continue.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: The winner is PMS!
[They celebrate to Queen's "We Are the Champions"]

Sheldon: Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch!

Howard Wolowitz: We're going to need a strong 4th for our team.
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's "Blossom." She got her Ph.D in neuroscience or something.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we're not getting TV's "Blossom" to join our Physics Bowl team.
Raj Koothrappali: How about the girl from the "Wonder Years?"

Raj Koothrappali: I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj Koothrappali: [in high-pitched voice] He-he-he-he-he-he!
Howard Wolowitz: That sounds more like "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians."
Leonard: Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend, and my roommate.
Howard Wolowitz: So?
Leonard: So, nothing. Let's destroy him.

Howard Wolowitz: Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj Koothrappali: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?
Raj Koothrappali: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".

Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: First question. For ten points: What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?
[Leonard and Sheldon ring in]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: PMS?
Leonard: The eta meson.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Correct.
[the audience applauds]
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Denied.

Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard Wolowitz: Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Sheldon: [scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
Howard Wolowitz: [standing up angrily] All right, that's it!
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard Wolowitz: [sitting down submissively] Okay.

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, we're going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj Koothrappali: How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard Wolowitz: Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard: We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj Koothrappali: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?
Leonard: Yes.

Penny: Isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women gonna hold you back a little?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one on one and smell nice.
Penny: Oh, thanks Raj. It's vanilla oil.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was actually the one who noticed.

Leonard Hofstadter: You're off the team.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics Bowl the team that has the most fun?

Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, we need a 4-person team. We're 4 people.
Sheldon Cooper: By that reasoning, we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah, and enter the olympic bobsled competition.