Assault of the Sasquatch

Poachers in a bear preserve capture Bigfoot, who ends up being transported to an almost- abandoned police station, where he wreaks havoc.

On the "good" side, Cristina Santiago is smoking hot, there's some brief nudity from another actress, and some of the gore is decent and at times funny, as with the impalement by "Dead End" sign.

On the bad side, the video is of a poor quality which doesn't work well in low-light conditions resulting in a hazy look, and most of the movie is set outdoors at night or in dim interiors. Additionally, the comic relief of Don and Murph is extremely bad. They're very annoying characters, particularly Don who is a grossly overweight man-child who breathlessly shrieks and yells constantly. It's an unfunny shtick he's been doing on YouTube for years, and it's no funnier here than there. Padding out the running time, there are some scenes where the two go around asking people if they're seen the sasquatch, which they have not.

The sasquatch has quite a bad costume, and his behavior is hard to figure. Sometimes he attacks while unprovoked, sometimes he wants to peep on or kidnap young women, at other times rescue them, at other times fight them. Sometimes he'll kill, while at other times he'll just knock somebody out or ignore them.

I guess on the whole the movie is fairly amusing, but it isn't very funny and it certainly isn't good.

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

Extremely low-budget horror movie about a poacher who is captured by police so they take him and his truck back to the station. The police think there's a bear in the truck but it turns out to be Bigfoot who escapes and begins killing people across town. Soon the police and other characters are trapped inside the station and must fight off the legendary creature. ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination but at the same time I couldn't help but respect what it was going for. Considering the low-budget you can't help but think, for the most part, the film was technically done well and I'm going to guess that it could have been done even better had there been more money available. The problem with the film is the screenplay, which really doesn't know if it wants to be a straight horror film or if it was to be a self-parading spoof as there's quite a bit of comic relief and none of it is very funny. The majority of the comic relief comes from an overweight guy and another dork who are running around with a camera as they're members of The Sasquatch Society. I don't care what club they belong to but their antics seem like outtakes from ERNEST SCARED STUPID. It goes without saying but this is basically a remake of John Carpenter's ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 but with Bigfoot attacking instead of gangs. I thought this idea was actually a pretty good one as it was a nice touch having the people trapped inside a building with the creature on the outside killing as many people as it can. The film certainly earns its R-rating as we get a little bit of female nudity and there are all sorts of gory killings including various body parts being ripped open. The performances are pretty much what you'd expect from a flick like this but the majority of them get the job done. Again, this isn't a good movie and there's no question it runs out of gas around the hour mark but considering how many "B" horror movies I watched I'd say this here is certainly better made than most. The Bigfoot costume isn't the greatest but then again countless monster films from the 50s, 60s and 70s featured poor outfits.

When a merciless bear poacher is caught and arrested deep in the woods of a state park, he and his truck are taken to a neglected precinct in the heart of a dying city.

There is some attempt at humor here, such as the nerds approaching the prostitute. In fact, their very presence in the film seems like a running attempt to create comic relief. Members of the Sasquatch Society? Really?

I notice some people have criticized the "gorilla suit" the Sasquatch wears. And, frankly, if you have a Bigfoot in a movie, you probably should show him as little as possible. However, they did a pretty decent job here... and the CGI they used on the facial expressions was not bad (which is shocking after you see how terrible the CGI on the airplane is). This film is bad, but I have seen much worse.

What is there to really say about this? If you go into this movie expecting anything but bottom of the barrel acting, plot, and effects; I'd recommend seeking help. This movie is trying to be one of the self-aware B-horror movies, constantly poking fun at itself, but if fails so miserably that all of it's jokes are funny for the wrong reasons. Pretty much every scene in this movie is funny for the wrong reason.

But hey, you're watching a 'SyFy' movie. You know what this is. It's a cheesy cliché movie shoveled out with a bare minimum budget to try to make a quick buck. I actually enjoyed this movie, but that's because I love poking fun at horrendously bad movies such as this with my friends. So if you're a bad movie fan like me, this is a somewhat fun watch, otherwise this movie is total garbage.

2/10

After unwittingly bringing it to the city, the squad of a crumbling police station and the hunters who captured it must stop a monstrous Bigfoot who is running loose through the area as well as keeping a tab on the criminals its rampage frees.

This one wasn't all that bad and really had some good points here. One of the better features in here is the film's rather large amount of fun, shorter encounters here between the creature and the different civilians along the way. The early scene of it stalking the two-story house with the showering home-owner while the whole thing is videotaped by the enthusiastic searchers comes off really well, as does the different incidents here where he runs into the lone couple out on the streets, deals with the auto-shop crew and then deals with the searchers once again in the streets of the police station which come off incredibly fun and enjoyable here. Not only do these quick scenes keep the creature at the center of the film, which itself is another positive point for this one, but also aids in helping to give this another point in the film offering a unique take on the Bigfoot angle getting it out of the woods and forests it usually place them and goes for a suburban experience. It's pretty unique and feels fresh enough to make it different as well as keeping up some great action sense. Those carry into the finale here which is the films' best sequence as it goes for the group inside the barricaded station which brings about the fun brawling trying to keep it out and managing to score some great defense against it. As well, the stalking chases through the underground tunnels and out into the abandoned warehouse where there's plenty of great encounters here including the big brawl at the end for a series of exciting scenes filled with action, a few good kills and a lot more suspense than expected which makes it a lot of fun. Along with the real-life suit for the creature and the gory kills, these here do manage to hold this one up against its few flaws. One of the biggest issues here is the fact that this one goes for those short attacks which don't really do much for the pace here as the short scenes come off as interruptions against the other plot-lines in here. From the retribution of the criminal to the father and daughter growing up together, as their own issues come up and the focus on the crumbling station are all so exhaustive that all this has time for is the briefer attacks which are pretty sparsely populated so while he's constantly involved they're of little significance to the plot. Another big problem here, as well as furthering the lack of Bigfoot action, is the obnoxious overly- enthusiastic searchers who do nothing but interview random strangers about seeing him but coverall these guys are annoying and don't add any substance to the film. Along with the lather lame premise for getting him into the city, these here hold this down enough from the positives.

Rated R: Graphic Language, Graphic Violence and Nudity.