Jim Parsons credited as playing...
Sheldon Cooper
- Howard Wolowitz: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinkos and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "howdy".
- Sheldon Cooper: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the Fifteenth Century. If anything, they would have said "Huzzah!"
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.
- Sheldon Cooper: If Leonard is really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
- Penny: Because love trumps hate.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, now you're just making stuff up!
- Sheldon Cooper: If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
- Sheldon Cooper: Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.
- Penny: Why don't you go to a movie?
- Sheldon Cooper: Alone?
- Penny: Yeah.
- Sheldon Cooper: What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich manuver?
- Penny: So, don't buy popcorn.
- Sheldon Cooper: No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!
- Sheldon Cooper: You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?
- Leonard Hofstadter: How?
- Sheldon Cooper: If we were, the food would be better.
- Sheldon Cooper: Look on the bright side.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What bright side?
- Sheldon Cooper: Only nine more months until ComicCon.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [smiling] Oh, yeah.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: I think she's smoking hot.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'd hit that!
- Sheldon Cooper: You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension.
- [Wolowitz looks at him for clarification]
- Sheldon Cooper: Mud.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you?
- [Presses buttons frantically]
- Sheldon Cooper: Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.
- Penny: Your arch-enemy?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
- Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it!
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
- Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy...
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm "smart"? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as "smart".
- Leslie Winkle: Hello, dummy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
- Leslie Winkle: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.
- Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.
- Sheldon Cooper: You mean like Spock?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [shrugs] Sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fascinating.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.
- Howard Wolowitz: You were holding back?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Out of courtesy, yes.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: What about the ten years before Penny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I've date plenty of women.
- Howard Wolowitz: Like who?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...
- [pause]
- Sheldon Cooper: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".
- Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
- Howard Wolowitz: What's so unusual about me having a date?
- Sheldon Cooper: Statistically speaking...
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right, all right. Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if you would, make yourself scarce.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurely measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know what I mean. Could you just give us a little privacy?
- Sheldon Cooper: You want me to leave the apartment?.. You mean, just go someplace else and be... someplace else?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why should I leave? This is my apartment, too.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I know, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy, I'd be more than happy to get out of your way.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, all right then.
- Sheldon Cooper: When his uncles sit around the dinner table, they look like a half carton of eggs.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you'll ever meet. Sweet lady. Always tickles when she hugs me.
- Leslie Winkle: Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm listening. Amuse me.
- Leslie Winkle: Okay. Well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to manifest itself in minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
- Sheldon Cooper: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
- Leslie Winkle: [to Leonard] Are you gonna let him talk to me like that?
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon, dressed up as Spock, scans the renaissance fair using a tricorder] Captain, I'm getting an unusual reading.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, that's great. You guys want corn dogs?
- Sheldon Cooper: That's a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn't come into existence until the first half of the 20th century.
- Sheldon Cooper: [about Leslie Winkle] Oh, please, the only way she could make a contribution to science is if they resume sending chimps into space.