Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

Sheldon Cooper

Ramona Nowitzki: You're not going to Halo night.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.
Ramona Nowitzki: Didn't a great man once say science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?
Sheldon Cooper: He did.
Ramona Nowitzki: And who was that great man?
Sheldon Cooper: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? You're not coming?
Sheldon Cooper: You heard her. How can I argue with me?

[Sheldon has just accepted a graduate student's request for dinner in his place]
Sheldon Cooper: What a nice girl.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, apparently I'm getting a free dinner.

Leslie Winkle: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumb-Assery.
Ramona Nowitzki: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.
Leslie Winkle: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money today.

[Penny walks in on Sheldon having his nails done by Ramona]
Ramona Nowitzki: Dr. Cooper is working.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Oh, tickles!
Penny: [leaving the apartment] Holy crap on a cracker!
Leonard Hofstadter: [meeting Penny in hallway] Hey, Penny.
Penny: You probably don't want to go in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What are they doing?
Penny: The only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.
Sheldon Cooper: Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

Sheldon Cooper: [addressing a class of graduate students] I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.

Sheldon Cooper: Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.
Penny: Get rid of her how?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know, but apparently I'm in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon Cooper: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.

Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, sorry I'm late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, funny! But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
Sheldon Cooper: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.
Leonard Hofstadter: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that's taking over the Earth.

Leonard Hofstadter: [addressing a class of graduate students] So, if any of you are considering in going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But, now we know what happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is... don't. And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
[students applaud]
Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Cooper...
Sheldon Cooper: [In closet] Forget it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
[opening door to closet]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: [Coming out] Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, aren't you having breakfast?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?
Sheldon Cooper: Not in these pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: So... how'd it go with Ramona last night?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, great. She's smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

Ramona Nowitzki: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon Cooper: I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.
Ramona Nowitzki: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gift doesn't waste an evening playing video games
Sheldon Cooper: He does on Wednesdays.
Ramona Nowitzki: Not if he wants a Nobel prize.

Sheldon Cooper: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
Leslie Winkle: Because first-rate minds call you dumbass?

Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'm invoking our Body Snatchers clause.
Leonard Hofstadter: The Body Snatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know has been replaced by an alien pod.

Kathy O'Brien: I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string network condensates and it just took my breath away.
Sheldon Cooper: Maybe when I publish it, I'll include an inhaler.