Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz

The Panty Piñata Polarization

Howard Wolowitz

Leonard Hofstadter: [about the Next Top Model house] Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.
Sheldon Cooper: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.

Howard Wolowitz: Every week they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem... a.k.a, the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.

Penny: [taking the guys' orders at Cheesecake Factory] Okay, let me guess: Quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard...
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Penny: ...shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly-allergic, kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard...
[Howard nods]
Penny: ... and for our suddenly-back-on-the-Hindu-wagon Raj: meat lovers' pizza; no meat.
[Raj bows to her]
Penny: Coming right up.
[She starts to leave]
Sheldon Cooper: Wait, excuse me!
[Penny stops]
Sheldon Cooper: You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger; barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Penny: Oh, I didn't tell you? You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in; two, sitting down; and three, I don't like your attitude.
Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, I know; there's a new policy: no shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: [softly, to Raj] I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz, with her head in the lap of - eh, what a coincidence - the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

Leonard Hofstadter: For the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: You know what? If it's "creepy" to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

Sheldon Cooper: [in a computer message] Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, Everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.

Leonard Hofstadter: [referring to the strikes Sheldon gave her] Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
Howard Wolowitz: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don't care. I was in Junior Rodeo. I can hogtie and castrate him in sixty seconds.
Howard Wolowitz: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard Wolowitz: [chanting] One of us! One of us!

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [about a model] She's taller than all of the women in my family combined.
Rajesh Koothrappali: What do we do now?
Howard Wolowitz: [another model walks by] Follow Mrs. Wolowitz.

Howard Wolowitz: You're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
Penny: Yeah, I guess.
Howard Wolowitz: And they live together, and shower together, and have naked pillow fights.
[Penny starts to leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, where are you going?
Penny: To pay my cable bill.