Simon Helberg credited as playing...
Howard Wolowitz
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's the emergency?
- Howard Wolowitz: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
- Sheldon Cooper: Where?
- Howard Wolowitz: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
- Sheldon Cooper: What's plan B?
- Howard Wolowitz: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why wasn't that plan A?
- Penny: [Trying to get Howard to admit he works on the Mars Rover project] No, I remember specifically, you started by asking if I was from Mars, because my ass was out of this world.
- Howard Wolowitz: Well that does sound like me, but no.
- [last lines]
- Announcer: It's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain: the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars.
- [Howard's mouth falls open in shock]
- Announcer: It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible.
- Howard Wolowitz: Son of a bitch.
- Howard Wolowitz: There's got to be other options.
- Raj Koothrappali: Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
- Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, snap!
- Sheldon Cooper: Snap what?
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
- Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
- [They all draw Spock]
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
- Howard Wolowitz: How do we decide that?
- Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
- Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: [They all draw Spock again] Ahh!
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
- Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, buddy, what brings you to my little slice of Hell?
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is it?
- Howard Wolowitz: It's Leonard!
- Mrs. Wolowitz: You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive!
- Howard Wolowitz: No one cares, Ma!
- [to Leonard]
- Howard Wolowitz: So, what's up?
- Howard Wolowitz: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work."
- Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
- [Sees Howard with an eyepatch]
- Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
- Howard Wolowitz: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
- [Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back]
- Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
- [Exits]
- Howard Wolowitz: Ow.
- Howard Wolowitz: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
- Penny: Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars rover?
- Howard Wolowitz: No. You're mistaken.
- Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know what you're talking about.