Michael Weatherly: Anthony DiNozzo

Love & War

Anthony DiNozzo

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enjoy it while it lasts, women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, not to go on undercover dates with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...That's low, Probie.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You have to tell him the truth!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's like I said, "it's always the maid."
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No. You have said "It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab." But you have never *once* said "maid."
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone ever tell you, your memory can be a real buzz-kill?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The sadness when I hear you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean, like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What part of "Level 5 sorceress" don't you understand?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] All of it.

[McGee has hooked up an old "Beary Smiles" toy to his keyboard]
Beary Smiles: Hi, there! I'm Beary Smiles! You're my best friend, McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thank you, Beary.
Beary Smiles: You're very welcome!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, one more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off... AGAIN!
Beary Smiles: Gear up, DiNozzo! Got a body at Quantico!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't mess with me!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: That bear sounds very familiar.
Beary Smiles: Ya think, David? DiNozzo, bag and tag! David, witness statements! McGee, I ever tell you how brilliant you are?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, Beary...
Beary Smiles: I love you, McGee.
[Noticing Tony and Ziva's looks, McGee looks over his shoulder and sees Gibbs glaring at him. He types again]
Beary Smiles: Sorry, Boss.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, I get it. You're jealous. You haven't had a date in a while, it's okay.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? Jealous of the Elf Lord? I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It is nice to see a couple with so much in common. Like McGee and his new sorceress friend.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah. I was actually gonna talk to you about that. Let's see, how do I put this delicately? She, uh... she's not real.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You did *not*.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I did. I was bored, it was late, I'd just watched "Weird Science." Next thing I knew, I was building a fake online profile and IMF'ing McGee.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: He really likes her, Tony! You have to tell him!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know... but it's actually kind of flattering, in a creepy way.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [on his phone] I already rebooted the system, Frank! *Twice*!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [on her phone] Four hours! That is how long I have waited for your cable repairman, four hours!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I will not reboot it again! I will never reboot it again!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Reschedule? So you can waste another Saturday?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just admit that you have no idea how to fix the problem, and we can both get on with our lives!
[They slam their phones down at the same time]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Someone will die today.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What did you think would happen?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I didn't know! The flaw in the plan... was the plan. But I got another plan to end it.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why don't we just bring her in?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, what are we going to put on the warrant, Probie? "Gibbs's gut?"
[off Gibbs's look]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not that that wouldn't be valid. I'm sure that...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to her friends, she'll come to us.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about the dead man] Boss, Brandon Sykes, 22. Small-time drifter with a big-time rap sheet. Larceny, grand theft auto, dealing, even suspected of a homicide... over an iPod. Doesn't exactly scream "espionage".
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hired gun.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hired by who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: *Whom*, Tony. "Who" is the nominative case. "Whom" always follows a preposition.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Traffic bad?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Dreadful.

Abby Sciuto: Whoever trashed his apartment went banzai on his dinner plates with a hammer. And they were not looking for anything...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, they just wanted to trash it.
Abby Sciuto: And I know who "they" is. I pulled a partial print off the TV set that was thrown into the bathtub.
[points to her big screen]
Abby Sciuto: Meet our rock star!
[cut to Gibbs interviewing...]
Jessica Shore: Hell, yeah, I did it! I went over to that jackass's place and I broke everything in sight!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That was easy.
Jessica Shore: It was all my stuff anyway. You think that dumb-ass could afford real plates? When I met the guy, he had a can opener and a plastic fork. The guy's a loser, like all the rest of 'em.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva and I will cover the interviews for you.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is awfully un-Tony of you, Tony.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just doing you a solid, Probie, because you having a date is about as rare as me not having one.