Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Charlie: Last night, in bed, I told her I love her. And you know what she said?
- Alan: Umm... "I'm still not going to let you do that"?
- Charlie: She said, "Thank you".
- Alan: Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack.
- Charlie: I don't get it. I've gone the whole nine yards for this relationship. I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom. I stopped smoking cigars after sex. I even started seeing a shrink so I can be more sensitive, and I still can't get a freaking "I love you"!
- Alan: [sarcastically] But you've obviously become more sensitive.
- Charlie: For what I've spent on therapy, I could get a couple of very expensive hookers who will say *anything* I want.
- Alan: There's that sensitivity again.
- Charlie: [enters Alan's room] Hey, Alan!
- Alan: [from bathroom] Ocupado!
- Charlie: [just walks in on Alan sitting on the toilet] I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I know how to restore the balance of power with Chelsea!
- Alan: [nervously covers his legs with newspaper] Excuse me! What part of "ocupado" don't you understand? The "ocu" or the "pado"?
- Charlie: I understood it all. I was just hoping you were shaving.
- Alan: Well, I'm not! And as you well know, this is an uphill battle for me, even in the best of circumstances.
- Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is important!
- Charlie: I'm going to get an "I love you" from Chelsea!
- Alan: If you let me finish, you'll get one from *me*!
- Charlie: [shows Alan an engagement ring] Check this out.
- Alan: Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden. If you wait a few minutes, I'll have a gift for *you*.