Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Russell: [at pharmacy] What else?
- Charlie Harper: Uhm... let's see. Cough syrup.
- Russell: Regular or codeine?
- Charlie Harper: Don't you need a prescription for codeine?
- Russell: What are you, a cop?
- Jake Harper: Maybe she has an STD.
- Charlie Harper: What?
- Jake Harper: I mean, sexually transmitted disease.
- Charlie Harper: I know what STDs are.
- Alan Harper: Your uncle helped invent them.
- Jake Harper: You know they can be prevented by using a condom.
- Charlie Harper: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now, we gotta use a hammer.
- Jake Harper: I don't understand.
- Charlie Harper: Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.
- Jake Harper: Okay.
- [Jake goes to the garage]
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] You must be so proud.
- Jake Harper: [offscreen, from the garage] Ballpeen or claw hammer?
- Alan Harper: Do me a favor. When he gets back, just do it.
- Charlie Harper: [Alan is about to watch "The Bridges of Madison County" on TV] Hey! What are you doing up?
- Alan Harper: Watching a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Charlie Harper: [Minutes later] This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Alan Harper: Yes, it is.
- Charlie Harper: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Chelsea: [wakes up sick in the middle of the night] Maybe I should go home.
- Charlie Harper: Well, if you think that's the right thing to do...
- Chelsea: [angry] Charlie! It's the middle of the night and I'm sick! I'm *not* going home!
- Charlie Harper: Then why'd you say you were?
- Chelsea: I was testing you.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah... well... I knew that and I was testing you. I think we both did very well.
- Chelsea: Could you go to the pharmacy for me?
- Charlie Harper: For you, I would go to the ends of the Earth.
- [to himself]
- Charlie Harper: Coming back is a different question.
- Charlie Harper: You know, I just realized something.
- Alan Harper: That cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?
- Charlie Harper: No, they're delightful.