Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Jake Harper: Maybe she has an STD.
- Charlie Harper: What?
- Jake Harper: I mean, sexually transmitted disease.
- Charlie Harper: I know what STDs are.
- Alan Harper: Your uncle helped invent them.
- Jake Harper: You know they can be prevented by using a condom.
- Charlie Harper: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now, we gotta use a hammer.
- Jake Harper: I don't understand.
- Charlie Harper: Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.
- Jake Harper: Okay.
- [Jake goes to the garage]
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] You must be so proud.
- Jake Harper: [offscreen, from the garage] Ballpeen or claw hammer?
- Alan Harper: Do me a favor. When he gets back, just do it.
- Charlie Harper: [Alan is about to watch "The Bridges of Madison County" on TV] Hey! What are you doing up?
- Alan Harper: Watching a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Charlie Harper: [Minutes later] This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Alan Harper: Yes, it is.
- Charlie Harper: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Alan Harper: Where did you meet a nine-year-old?
- Jake Harper: We're in the same math class.
- Alan Harper: Is she one of those advanced students?
- Jake Harper: Sadly, no. But she *does* help me with my homework.
- Charlie Harper: You know, I just realized something.
- Alan Harper: That cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?
- Charlie Harper: No, they're delightful.