Simon Helberg credited as playing...
Howard Wolowitz
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's with him?
- Howard Wolowitz: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
- [Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm baaack!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't know why you left.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
- Sheldon Cooper: I promised Penny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You promised Penny what?
- Sheldon Cooper: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What secret? Tell me the secret.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm Batman! Ssh!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I promise.
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
- Sheldon Cooper: I drank milk that tasted funny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
- Sheldon Cooper: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
- Howard Wolowitz: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
- Howard Wolowitz: [Hears a knock on his door] Who is it?
- Rajesh Koothrapali: [High-pitched voice] Strippergram!
- [Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon]
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Tag, you're it.
- [Runs off]
- Howard Wolowitz: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you having a second date?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. She said we would just wing it.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
- Howard Wolowitz: And some of those skinless women were hot!
- Sheldon Cooper: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
- Howard Wolowitz: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
- Howard Wolowitz: Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
- Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say anything like that.
- Howard Wolowitz: Good, 'cause they don't work.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Look, everything went fine.
- [unhides mini sheets]
- Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
- Howard Wolowitz: Let's go to the tape.
- [shows the hidden camera record]
- Howard Wolowitz: Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Nice close-up, by the way.
- Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's not a bad sign.
- Sheldon Cooper: Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
- [Leaving the room]
- Leonard Hofstadter: And take down that camera!
- Rajesh Koothrapali: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
- Howard Wolowitz: Give him time.
- Howard Wolowitz: Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
- Howard Wolowitz: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
- Rajesh Koothrapali: You being the fish.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not the fish!